Dating Hiatus

I have not been on a date in 2015.

I am no longer dating because I am no longer looking for a life partner. I need to find contentment in life as a single person. Because that is what I am and will likely stay, if statistics are to be believed. And I don’t want to date just to date. It is too much work with little reward.

Someone recently mentioned she thought I was still waiting for the guy who broke it off with me years ago. That I would go back to him if he asked because I still love him.  She is partially right.

I don’t date because of him, that is true. But I am not waiting for him, would never date him again. And my reason is simple.  I could never trust him again. He is no longer worth the risk. When I think of him, I am filled with sadness. I loved him utterly, completely. I trusted him with all my darkest places, my deepest fears. I was vulnerable in front of him and trusted him with my whole heart for over three years.

Wasted time, as it turns out. I was a complete fool. An idiot to believe that he was mine. That he loved me. That he was “all in” like me. 

Now, I know the truth. I was a place keeper. Good enough “for  now”, but not “forever”. In the words of Sophia Wu, he treated me like an option, not a priority. He was gone the moment he had a better offer and never looked back. And the first indication I had that something was wrong was him walking out the door after saying goodbye. What the hell is wrong with me?

How had I not noticed? What had I missed? What about me made him leave? These questions haunted me for a long time. I grieved and cried and hurt in my soul, trying to find nonexistent answers. I was in a really bad way for a really long time, and it felt like I would mourn forever. My poor bruised heart ached for a future that was never real.

Now that time has passed, a new set of questions haunt me.

I don’t date because I still don’t know the answers.

How do I ever let someone else in? How do I know if they are truthful when they tell me they love me. How can I believe again? Open up again? Start over? I am afraid to trust my feelings again after being so terribly wrong because I am still the same person. I am not convinced I can do any better now than I did then.

I feel like part of me is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I am not sure I want to try.

I cannot live through the heartache again. And I don’t trust myself to be any better at figuring out what is truth than I was all those years ago. I don’t trust myself to tell the difference between “for now” and “forever”. I am just not willing to risk it all again.

Directv and Free Movies, continued...

Some more things we have been watching... 


Chasing Papi (2003) The successful and handsome wolf executive of the cosmetic industry Thomas Fuentes has three sexy Latin girlfriends: in Miami, the waitress Cici; in Chicago, the intellectual lawyer Lorena; and in New York, the "daddy's girl" Patricia. When the three women decide to visit him in Los Angeles, Thomas is in a big trouble.

My take- this is a funny, silly movie that I enjoyed

The Monuments Men (2014) An unlikely World War II platoon is tasked to rescue art masterpieces from Nazi thieves and return them to their owners.

My take- I can totally relate to the guy trying to speak  French and being told repeatedly to stop... I loved the story of saving culture, one picture and statue at a time. It is hard to imagine people setting fire to great works of art.

Also, I watched Sons of Liberty and I must say, it was a great addition what I knew of the time frame, but the miniseries John Adams went into much more detail of the shift from colonies to country.

Oscars 2015

The Oscar nominations are out and I have only heard of four of the movies up for best picture, three of the films which got a best actor/Actress nod, and only one of the supporting actor/actress films.

I probably have only been to the theater twice in as many years.

I would like to see Unbroken and Selma, both look quite promising, but will likely wait for a DVD or on-line streaming. Going to the movies is just too expensive. Even buying the DVD, it is less money to eat popcorn in my living room watching than go down to Showcase Cinemas. And if it is great- I can watch it again for free.

Clearly I am not the demographic Hollywood is aiming for...

Directv and a free Premium weekend (January 8-11)

Since Directv gave me a free weekend of movie channels, I DVRed as many as I could, so I have movies to watch. And since I never go to the movies, the vast majority are movies I have never seen.

So far I have made it through 7 of the movies and I liked most of them. Here is my list so far:

(Internet Movie Database movie descriptions are used)

Black Nativity (2013):A street-wise teen from Baltimore who has been raised by a single mother travels to New York City to spend the Christmas holiday with his estranged relatives, where he embarks on a surprising and inspirational journey.

 

My take: It is a musical, which was a nice surprise for me. And such amazing voices- a Christmas treat for me

The Best Man Holiday (2013)When college friends reunite after 15 years over the Christmas holidays, they discover just how easy it is for long-forgotten rivalries and romances to be reignited.

My take: This movie had light moments, but a dying best friend breaks my heart every time.

Jennifer Lopez: Dance Again (2014)- A documentary that chronicles Jennifer Lopez's life on and off-stage during her first ever world tour.

My take: My favorite moment- Jennifer and Marc sharing the stage in Puerto Rico

CBGB (2013) A look at the New York City punk-rock scene and the venerable nightclub, CBGB.

My take: A guilty pleasure for this New York girl of the 80’s.

The Normal Heart (2014) A gay activist attempts to raise HIV/AIDS awareness during the early 1980s.

My take: Powerful, sad and amazing. It is a reminder of how it all started not so long ago.

The Other Woman (2014) After discovering her boyfriend is married, Carly soon meets the wife he's been betraying. And when yet another love affair is discovered, all three women team up to plot revenge on the three-timing S.O.B.

My take: A silly comedy and girl-power. In a word, fun.

August: Osage County (2013) A look at the lives of the strong-willed women of the Weston family, whose paths have diverged until a family crisis brings them back to the Oklahoma house they grew up in, and to the dysfunctional woman who raised them.

My take: Dreary, sad, dark and ugly. The acting may have been great but I want my two hours back.

Stuggling with the Catholic Church

In 1980, my friend Kathy and I trained with Fr. Barry along with a bunch of our male classmates to be alter servers. We were the first girls to serve at our parish. We served Mass at our school (we were not allowed to serve in the actual church at that time) and it was a great experience at a time when I could have moved out of the religious circle I lived in just as easily as I moved further in...

I love Pope Francis. He reminds me of the stories of Pope John XXIII throwing open the windows of the Vatican. Since he became Pope, I feel closer to my religious beliefs than I have since my divorce. I feel more welcome than I have in years.

And I am proud of a lot of the work the Catholic Church does with the poor and the needy in this country and around the world.

But sometimes... I read comments today from two prominent Church leaders that made me cringe.

"Cardinal Raymond Burke, who was recently demoted from the Vatican’s highest court to a ceremonial philanthropic post, also pointed to the introduction of altar girls for why fewer men are joining the priesthood."

The article made me sad... Are Kathy and I to blame for the reduction in the number of priests? I don't think so. Mary Magdalene didn't prevent the apostles from serving as our first priests, so there is a flaw in the logic that we did something to discourage boys from the priesthood.

The article also annoyed me when this man, this person in leadership, a Prince of the Church, blamed the pedophile scandals on gay men in the priesthood- a fallacy that has been disproved by experts who examine pedophiles and their crimes. It sickens me that he  is still spreading this nonsense as fact.

The second article was all about the disapproval of gay marriage. 

"Miami Archbishop Thomas Wenski sent a memo to all church employees reiterating that any expressions of support for gay marriage — even if it’s only a tweet or Facebook post — could cost them their jobs."

Now, I for one do not care if gay men and women want to get married. More power to them. I don't see how the Church will ever do it for them, but then they won't let me marry in the Church either, because I am divorced. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

I do object, however, to the Church being able to fire someone who chooses to attend a wedding of a friend or family member who is gay. I would attend any ceremony I was invited to and would be honored to participate. Clearly I won't be working for any Church agency, ever.

Love your neighbor... Judge not lest you be judged...

I will add both these men to my prayers tonight.

Composting

I have started a compost pile in my yard. I had an area where a tree was removed years ago and there was a significant hole left behind. I have been filling it with grass cuttings, but decided I would start composting our eggshells, veggie left overs and tea bags in the hole as well.

I had looked into the composting bins etc, but I like the fact that I don't have to buy anything to make this work. And I am trying to keep it simple.

I use an old kitty litter bucket in the house to collect the compost material and take it outside when the bucket is full (the lid snaps shut so there is no foul odor.)

After I added everything to the hole, I used additional grass clippings to cover over the addition and keep the smell down, packing it down into the hole. It is a pretty deep hole...

And when this hole is full, I will start on the other depressions in my yard. Eventually I will need to designate an area, but for now this is working.

Welcome 2015

I am going to read more and write more.

I am going to spend more wisely

I am going to start doing new things on a regular basis. 

In 26 months I will be 50 years old, so I am starting today with a goal to do 50 new things before my 50th Birthday. I want to get out of my comfort zone and be the person with stories to tell and adventures to share. 

And I am starting today!

On January 1, 2015,  I did the Polar Plunge to raise EB awareness and needed funds for research. 

1 down, 49 to go!