Passing the test

 I woke up early this morning. I drove thirty minutes to a testing center and had a momentary panic when I didn't see their name on the parking lot sign. Rechecked the address in my e-mail, ensured it was the right place, and put on Frankie Goes to Hollywood's RELAX, and walked into the building. I got a drink from the water fountain and got my number and the testing site rules. I was the eighth person to arrive and decided to go to the bathroom while everyone was checking in. Had another drink at the fountain- my mouth was really dry- and noticed how sweaty my hands were. After finally signing in and having my picture taken and taking a few mints to suck on from the basket on the desk, I went to the back where the rules were explained and then each of us was checked- my glasses were examined, and I had to show there was nothing under my dress but me.

I wore a dress like the professional I am supposed to be. Yeah- I was WAY overdressed. I was seated at the computer and ready to start at about 4 minutes after 8am and I had 90 minutes for the first section, after I took the tutorial- which talked about striking things out and highlighting and how to change the font and background colors (the only thing I used from the tutorial, if I am honest) I went with a black background and white letters and I was off.

Typically, I don't have to watch my time, as I take tests quickly. I found out early in my test taking career to go thru and answer and make sure to answer everything, and not to change any answers. So the first 90 questions were finished and I got up for my break and a quick run to the bathroom and sat back down at just after 9am.

I clicked my last answer, submitted the exam, and then did a 12 question survey and once that was done, I was shown my passing result- a check-mark in a green circle with the word PASS.

I resisted crying out, but I wanted to. I raised my hand gathered my things and was walked out by the proctor. It was 9:30am.

I PASSED. I answered 180 questions in under 90 minutes and now I am certified... or will be when I get my official results in the mail in about six weeks.

And they tell you not to talk about the test or the questions etc. and - honest to God - I couldn't if I tried. It's all a big blur. I am just so happy it's over. 

Certifications

 Several decades ago, on a hot July day, I reported (with my entire nursing class and hundreds of other nursing students) to the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center for the first day of my Nursing Board exam.

I was ready... I hoped. I had taken a review class (and a vacation to Ireland for my uncle's wedding) since graduation the month before. I was ready. And it was important. This exam was only given twice a year and I wanted to start working. I was still doing insurance review and other part time work... I wanted the rest of my life to begin.

They fingerprinted each of us, we stowed our personal items in lockers and entered the largest room I have ever been in.

2000 people, each at our own table, with pencils, scratch paper and and hour and a half, took the first portion of  the day's exam.

Filling in the dots, hoping I picked the best answer. Dilantin can't be run in D5. Airway- breathing- circulation.

I finished my test and left to eat. Had to be fingerprinted again on the way out... SO strange.

And in no time I returned to the room for the second half of the day's testing.

The worst part?

Coming back the next day to do two more portions of the test.

Unlike testing today, we didn't get results until the third week of September.  So I left, with many of my classmates, unsure if I passed or failed and hoping for the best.

I passed the first time. Got my first job and have worked as a nurse ever since. In all kinds of settings in lots of different places.

Then in 2014, the push came from my hospital- Magnet nurses were certified... But the review course for would care certification was expensive and I was told no. I thought the reasons were crap, but I wasn't in a position to pay out of pocket, so I let it go.

Moved the following year to another spot in the hospital and certification came up again. The hospital was offering a CPN training course to employees so I took it and went to take the test.

Which is a totally different animal now. All on computer. Weird, different, I drove to a testing center and while there were other people there, I had no idea what they all were testing for. A bit of a lonely experience.

And I was searched THROUGHLY before entering the testing center. I again had to lock up my stuff. Again there was paper and a pencil.

And weirdly, I got 3 questions on epiglottitis... which is weird cause it's rare now since the HIB vaccine, but we all knew what it was back in the day. Those really sick croup kids, sitting up and  leaning forward, drool spilling down, trying not to swallow... One of the things in Peds you only ever need to see once and you never want to see it again.

Then I had to do a survey about the testing center.  I have absolutely no idea how I scored them. Good I hope.

One change I totally loved was getting my results right away. I passed. I celebrated. I figured it would be my last time taking a big exam.

I was wrong. 

I am in a job now that needs a different certification. And the test is Saturday. I have no idea if I know enough.

210 minutes, 180 questions, Saturday at 8am.

Here goes nothing!

Farewell

 On the 26th of June in 2023, my younger sister called and told me there was a spot on her pancreas, that was seen on a follow MRI of her abdomen. She had a benign lesion in her ascending colon removed years before and was being screened due to it's size at the time it was removed.

I wanted not to worry her. A biopsy the following week, July 3rd, would tell us.

On July 5th, she had the biopsy results. And life changed in that moment.

My baby sister, who I loved so much, was diagnosed with an adenocarcinoma in the head of her pancreas. She would have a Whipple on August 10th, and her cancer was Stage 2 based on it's size of 2 cm.

She had a hard recovery from surgery and took part in a mRNA study, with vaccines to target future tumor growth.

We hoped for the best. Long time survival.

Her first new tumor was seen in the summer of 2024, in the 6th segment of her liver. Her cancer was now Stage 4. She was now living with cancer. The spot was killed off by radiation, and it was a year before we saw any new tumor activity. She was even given a break from therapy during the summer of 2025.

Unfortunately, the new growth was significant not just because of the large size of the main tumor, but by the fact that there were multiple satellite tumors.

It was the beginning of the end.

My sweet brave brilliant sister died on February 5th 2026 (well, just before midnight on the 4th, but it wasn't certified till 1:30 am on the 5th ... what can you do?)

She was 55 years old.

The funeral home had a long line for over three hours. the church was standing room only. Everyone came. Friends, family, everyone. Those who didn't come sent messages of love.

Before coming home, my sister's husband, who is my brother at this point, no in-law about it, gave me a letter Elle wrote to me before her Whipple.

The last letter I will ever get from my sister,

I haven't read it all the way through yet.

Just not sure I can...

I am still numb with grief. And it feels too much like a final goodbye.

I love you. I miss you. I will do all I can to keep you alive in the heart of all who love you. Heaven is lucky to have you.

 

A penny for your thoughts

 The last penny was just minted in Philly. 2025 sees the end of an over 200 year run for our smallest denomination of coin. Which seems to imply there will be only round number pricing... Not that pennies will be in short supply- there are tons of them around. I am sure I am like most people- I have a jar of pennies... and a plate with a few... some in the bottom of my bag...

Yeah, I rarely use them when paying cash, and cash payments are becoming more rare. And I don't even roll them up anymore to take into the bank. I still have the wrappers, I just lack the motivation.

But no more pennies? It just feels weird to me.

Fan Fiction

 I found the world of Janet Evanovich Fan Fiction quite by accident in November of 2022 after reading her Stephanie Plum and Wicked series. On discovery of a whole new world of Stephanie Plum stories, I started to read... and it was wonderful.

Reading voraciously, I started my journey by reading the earliest stories, so some authors got comments on their stories written over two decades ago. Then, I tried my hand at writing my version of a Babe story, including all the canon up to the latest book- which was 29 in the Plum series at that time.

I recently reread that first effort and now understand why editors are a needed part in the story telling process. I am tempted to rewrite the story, not changing the main tale, but clarifying some bits and pieces. 

I have two stories I am writing now... one is only two chapters away from completion, and the other is over halfway. 

The community is supportive, even when a troll sneaks in.

Three years later, I am still hooked.

A little of the old visits the new

 I have a new patient and they have a disorder that is right up my alley- Epidermolysis Bullosa. I am ten years out from that life- a lifetime ago, I worked with these patients full time...overtime.

EB was my calling, and I worked with families as the DebRA nurse, answering questions and providing emotional support. I made a difference every day. But the disease is the disease and while there are more and better treatments now, there is still no cure.

I will pray for this child, and all the EB children in my past- that they are doing well and have what they need... for as long as they have...

But I am reminded of why I stepped away. The pain, the anguish and the grief... It's like I never left.

Profiles in Courage

 I read "Profiles in Courage" by JFK during the Summer of 1983. It was also the summer I read "The Once and Future King" by T. H. White, Beowulf , the epic poem (God help me) - they were  assigned reading for Junior year. 

I enjoyed the stories of young King Arthur, and I enjoyed the stories of brave men standing up for what was right, even though it was political suicide- men who did the morally right thing.

And with the chaos of the early days of Trump 2.0, I pray for those in our government to do what is right to protect our Republic.

Love you always

 A long time ago in a neighborhood far, far away, I was a little girl who was lonely a lot of the time. It was a time when my friends were more acquaintances, and I spent a lot of time alone. It was also the summer after the fire happened.

The fire still gave me nightmares, even though nobody was hurt, and the damage was not so bad.

I traveled to Ohio that summer and found the girl who befriended me now lived farther away from my aunt. And I travelled to see her and those four days changed my life and gave me a friend I loved until the day he died.

As I listen to Davis Gates sing Goodbye Girl on this, the day of his birthday, in the year he would be 63, I smile again for the boy who encouraged me to write down my stories. I will always love you. I will always miss you. And I will always write down my stories.

Year One

 I became an RN Care Manager a year ago today. I have been a Nurse for over 30 years and I think that this will be my retirement job- but I have said that before, so there is no guarantee

But this is a role that has some real benefits- lower taxes, very short commute (6 miles) free parking- not the norm for our hospital- and I have to pack my lunch as the cafeteria has limited options and I haven't gotten a Starbucks latte at the cart here since I started. I am saving a ton of money!

On the downside, I have to update my CV- a task I really do not enjoy- and this is coming from someone who likes to write. Describing what I do with the families shouldn't be as hard as I am finding it.

I also have to get certified, which means taking the certification test- I am already dreading it and I still have a year before I am eligible to schedule it. It's difficult and some folks I work with have not passed it the first time they took it.

I have decided to start reading material early and try to slowly learn the language of the work. I say that because there are many things on the test (veteran benefits, worker's comp and rehab facility regs) that are no part of the work I do each day. My practice involved complex medical needs in children under 19 years of age. So not a lot of Medicare rules of reimbursement in my line of work.

At least I will ace anything related to children and young adults... I hope.

It's a challenge to prepare for a test that is still so far away- like the Nursing Boards all over again. But as I was told then, the worst thing to happen if I don't pass is taking the test again. And paying for it again.

We will see how it goes.

. 

2025 Resolutions

It is 2025 and I need to put my resolutions in writing to keep me honest: 

1. Get out of debt…. I let myself use a credit card for a holiday and things snowballed. I am in debt AGAIN for the first time since 2017 when I retired my consumer debt. It is unacceptable and I need to start all over again with the baby steps. AGAIN. I cannot be trusted with credit.

2. Manage my weight… I need to be at a healthy weight, and I am nowhere near this goal- I have gained over 30 pounds since Summer 2023. I am eating every fear and emotion. It stops now. 311 pounds is not healthy for anyone of my height.

3. Exercise more… I joined a gym on my birthday last year and now they are closing up shop, so I need to do things in a proactive way.

4. Creativity needs to happen every day. I need to write every day. Read every day.

5. Spend more quality time with my children… This goes with the condition “provided they let me” as family time to a teenager can be seen as a punishment, defeating the whole purpose. I would love to have weekly family game night… Wish me luck…

6. Cook at home more often… AKA, eat out less. Shopping at home first needs to be my new mantra

7. Spend less and save more… More on my spending fast later

8. Lower my expenses…  which means creating a budget and living under my means.

9. Work on my retirement fund and paying down my mortgage… with the pension changes, I need to be more frugal now in order to meet my financial obligations in retirement, which is only seven years away, God willing.

10. Declutter my house… My basement most closely resembles a storage container. I need to do better. And the Vets pick up. My first pick-up of 2025 is tomorrow.

There you have it. A sizable list to be sure. And I have had an almost identical list for more years than I want to acknowledge.

But the big one is my debt- I am ashamed to be in debt again.

I need an all- new spending fast. I have done it before with mixed results but it is the first of the year and so here we go:

Items I need to spend money on:
Mortgage/Home Insurance/Escrow: Not optional!

Urgent Home repairs… I don’t even want to write it down, it’s like asking for something to go wrong.

Utilities (keeping lights and water off as much as possible; keeping the thermostat at 65 and wearing a sweater when the cold comes)

Internet/ Cell Phone- because as much as I need to pay my debt, I need 911 ability and Amazon/Netflix and Disney so I am entertained while staying home.

Food (and I need to shop in cupboards and freezer first)

Doctor Dentist and Medication co-pays- cause healthy is happy

Car insurance/maintenance/gas/oil- I don’t have a car payment but need to keep my car road worthy

Birthday and Christmas gifts for my children: but simple is going to be it moving forward.

Debt repayment and emergency fund...


What I'm NOT spending money on:
Books… painful even to list… but I own a bunch I have not read so enough is enough

Cards - truth be told, I probably have enough cards in the house to last years

Clothes/Coats/and any other thing worn on the body.

Trinkets…AKA crap...There is a great deal of stuff that fits in this category...

New make-up, hair stuff- bands, elastics etc… I barely use the stuff and don't need any more

Bed linens/Towels/Houseware items…I have more than enough- as long as the coffee maker keeps working.

Decorative house stuff- I am done for now

I need to limit Amazon.com to needs, not wants- no more instant gratification

Medical Home

 As a nurse of  over 30 years, I have gotten really good at triage and tough conversations. 

Triage is an art form as much as a science

Sending a kid to the ER because she didn't look right after falling off her bike- she had sweat on her upper lip... something was wrong, but what? She had a pneumothorax.

A step mom told  her step son's arm wasn't broken after a fall, but she took him for an x-ray just in case. It wasn't broken

Having the advanced directives conversation with a family and telling them they should think about what they want to do if  the worst comes... figuring out what they need to do or not do so that if their child 

Sending a kid to a MOHs surgeon after an EB parent described over the phone that a wound on a foot that just didn't look right and it is Squamous Cell Carcinoma...

Telling a mom that when her beloved child threatens to kill herself, that mom cannot be the one to try and figure out if the child is serious or not. It has to be a professional. Because mom's can be wrong and if anything bad happened she would never forgive herself.

You learn what is common.

You learn what is likely.

And sometimes you have to be very direct...

Telling your cousin who doesn't want to take HTN meds that were newly prescribed that it beats having a stroke...

Telling you parent that "not being a good surgical candidate" is not the same thing as not needing heart surgery...

Telling your child you don't care if they feel fine, they passed out and hit their head and need to get checked out, like it or not...

All par for the course.

But when it is serious,  it really sucks.

Being the first one to use the word "Autism"...

Being the one to say "It's stage 4"...

Being the one to say "Put down that it is a terminal illness..."

Telling the truth when asked, what is the worst case scenario?

But you have to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

Even when it sucks.

Staycation Movies

I recently stayed with a family member after they had surgery, but they did so well that we spent most of the time watching movies. It was a mix of movies I haven't seen in a while, along with movies I never saw way back when they came out, with a few newer films added to the mix. There were comedies and dramas, Oscar winners and silly fun. The list in no particular order is:

80 for Brady stars Rita Moreno, Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, and Sally Field. It is a light story and weirdly, it’s based on a true story. It was silly and funny and brings a new light to the Patriot comeback in 2017. Oh, and Brady is in it.  ANd if you like it, check out Book Club.

Public Enemies, based on John Dillinger's life, stars Johnny Depp. After showing up law enforcement, Dillinger is hunted and killed. 

Last King of Scotland is a fictional story set during Idi Amin's regime in Uganda in the 1970s. Forest Whitaker is brilliant at playing the Ugandan leader and James McAvoy plays a young naive doctor who takes on the role of his personal physician. The movie portrays a leader unraveling. It culminates with the June 27, 1976 Air France Flight 139 hijacking to Entebbe Airport in Uganda- where the real-life Amin had his soldiers support the hijackers. Our doctor escapes with the non-Jewish/non-Israeli passengers who were released. An after-credit notes that the Israelis raided and freed most of the remaining passengers, but that is a different movie.

Tommy Boy- do yeah, I know how old this movie is, and until this vacation, I had never seen it. And apparently, I am the only person in my part of the world who hasn’t. It stars Chris Farley and David Spade and Spade is in charge of keeping Chris Farley on the straight and narrow while they try to save the company Farley inherits. Rob Lowe is a surprise (to me) as the evil “step-brother” who is actually step-mom’s boy toy.

Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris was a story I fell in love with when I saw the trailer an age ago. I had watched it once on my own and had to share it- because it is an absolute delight! The surprise in this one is Lucius Malfoy (yeah I should know the actor’s name) as a truly good guy.

A Man named Otto- Oh My God! I laughed, I cried and not just a little.

 Catch Me if You Can- always worth watching again!

Black Sheep stars Chris Farley and David Spade and   Spade is in charge of keeping Chris Farley on the straight and narrow. Sound familiar?

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure- Who could have seen where Keanu Reeves would go from here? Still love after all these years

Philadelphia- still so brutal, just like AIDS.

Commercial-free Spotify

 My son has gifted me commercial free Spotify and it might be the greatest experience ever. Don't get me wrong, I loved my iPod, but Apple really screwed me with that- killing iTunes as I knew it after I uploaded hundreds of CDs... bad form.

And now... music heaven- I have found all the music I have looked for (save one song on one album- seems an odd omission but what can you do!)

I love listening to the songs from every decade of my life. Songs I danced to, songs I cried to, songs of pure joy and celebration. It is a long way from me at twelve recording my favorite songs on my tape recorder straight from the radio- always missing the first bar or so... 

Our first stereo had an eight track tape player. Our car had only AM radio. I lived thru the Walkman, 45s, cassettes, 12 inch dance records, CDs, iPods and this has to be the closest thing to musical heaven... until the next innovation. 

Thanks, John. You were right!

Twelve years on...

 My last real relationship ended twelve years ago today. It occurred to me when I was writing the date today. And in so many ways I am doing so much better that that poor broken girl who had her heart broken. She could not have been convinced at the time that it was just a blip on the radar to a better life.

So many adventures since then, so many changes. 

I have so many things to be thankful for...

So many people to be thankful for...

I am surrounded by love.

And so grateful.

Paddy's isn't going anywhere

It is a great day when you go to a place to say goodbye and find out your place isn't going anywhere. A good time was had by all.

 

Saying goodbye to Ashley

 Always young, always beautiful. The love of my nephew's life. Rest in peace.

Aunt Irene

My aunt Irene died today and I am heartbroken. She is no longer in pain, no longer suffering. My sadness comes from the fact that I can't be there to say goodbye in person. 

I love you. 

 

New York for Christmas

Flashes of my trip to New York for Christmas

Seeing my nephews

Seeing my siblings

All the girls

Dropping in on my sister's in-laws

All celebrations

 

Randy Campbell

 

The baby of our Peace Corps group, Randy Campbell, was a glorious gift in my life. He toured the world and explored new cultures and had adventures I could only dream of. And he made friends everywhere. His spontaneity meant that I could get a call at 2pm and have the joy of him for dinner that night. Such joy. 53 years just doesn't seem like enough time. I love you, baby brother. You are forever in my heart.

On the fifth of December, Randy and his dog were killed when his van was hit head on... and I can't believe it. My heart is sick and sad. I miss you and love you, my sweet boy.

COVID-19

I had sinus congestion on  September 23rd and just to be safe, I did a home Covid test. It was negative, so I went to work- we all mask at our desks so it wasn't a big worry. John had a fever that night, so we pushed Gatorade and Ibuprofen, but his Covid test was also negative.

Sunday night, before heading to work on Monday, I did another at home test that was again negative- which was good as I had a work project I had to get done on Monday.

But Monday was a rough day. I did not feel well and it got worse over the course of the day- I left early and on arriving home, did my third at home test of the week. And it was positive.

For the first time since the pandemic was declared on March 13, 2020, this illness got hold of me. On September 27th I did a proctored exam that confirmed that I had COVID-19. Bah Humbug!

Still, I consider myself truly lucky- I had my vaccine and first booster. When I was diagnosed, my Primary Care Provider prescribed Paxlovid, and five days later I was on Prednisone. But I did not have to be admitted to the hospital. I did not end up intubated. 

But the cough, the insomnia, the aching bones and fatigue that is impossible to describe.  I am using Vicks, albuterol, Reishi Mushroom tea with Rooibos and Orange Peel- which tastes worse than dirt but I need to do something. 

I was out of work for another week- My FMLA ran through October 17th...And I went back to work today- and only worked a half day because I was exhausted. After speaking to my manager, we agreed to me working short days the rest of the week. 

I am not a fan of this illness.