Weigh in...

So in the Biggest Loser" contest at work, I have lost 12 pounds... a little over 4% of my original weigh in weight. And the exercise and the eating less have not been the burden I always allowed them to be in the past.

What is different?

My focus...

I am not beating myself up on the imperfect days. I am just jumping right back in.

I am exercising by dancing and loving it.

I am letting go and letting God...FINALLY.

It is a long road and there are no shortcuts. I am moving forward and happy with my progress. And I am dragging some of my friends along for pieces of the journey. Eileen has jumped on the "Made to Crave" bandwagon, Lindsey signed up for belly-dancing and Zumba, and a few others are trying to decide where they want to wade in.

Healthy- here I come...

My “Summer of Change” Journey

I started focusing on doing things for me at the start of May, after three hard months. I wanted to cleanse my mind and body and move forward in my life as it has been newly defined. The decision was made and the approach to the change was multifocal.

I did the “Made to Crave” challenge to focus my cravings on God and move them away from food. Each morning for 21 days I read a devotional message of encouragement to stay on track. In addition, I joined “The Biggest Loser” at work. (Paid $20 in and weigh in each Monday. So far I am in 2nd place)

I have lost 10lbs so far…

I also started Swing Dance classes- though I missed the one last night. I find the class exhilarating and feel totally proud of myself at the end. It is $5 a night down in Covington, KY and it is so much fun.

I signed up for the Bloom Bookclub on Sunday afternoons- The Fitting Room is our book.

I also decided to make use of the time my son is in New York. So I signed up for classes at the Community Arts Center in Fairfield. I always say I will take a class, and in the nearly five years I lived here, never took one. During my Summer of Change Journey I will be taking… drum roll please…

Tai Chi on Monday night

A gentle yet powerful form of exercise that combines fluid movements with energy circulation, breathing and stretching techniques, it will improve muscle tone, balance and reduce stress.

Salsa on Tuesday night

Learn lots of salsa free style moves in this series. Learn new moves each class that will get more intense as the series goes on. Learn combinations all to help you develop a strong basic, timing, and styling in your dance.

Belly-Dancing on Wednesday night

In the style of American Tribal Belly dance, this style has its roots in the gypsy dances of the Middle East, but carries the modern touch of American artistic sensibilities. It provides a low-impact work-out with an emphasis on strengthening core muscles. It also helps improve memory by learning short choreographies, the artistry of the dance is uplifting.

Followed by Pottery later on Wednesday night

The main focus will be to develop wheel throwing, hand-building, glazing, and decorating skills. Instructor will work with each student at their individual level, while maintaining a fun and creative atmosphere.

and Zumba on Saturday morning...

Zumba combines Latin and International rhythms with dance steps such as: the meringue, salsa, mambo, samba, as well as belly dance and a little hip hop. The class utilizes simple, repetitive movements for an awesome low-impact cardio workout.


Classes start the first week of June and run through the end of August. I can’t wait. (The class descriptions are from the Fairfield Flyer)

And of course with Thursday as my Swing dance night and the pool, I have a well rounded summer.

Wish me luck!

Tornados

Being from the East Coast, my tornado experience growing up was all about Dorothy and Auntie Em...

Since relocating, I have found it disconcerting that tornados are no longer a rare beast that lives only on the silver screen. After the huge tornado that tore through Joplin, MO, I took it very seriously when the clouds darkened and the winds started to pick up.

The power went out just before 8pm, and I had my son grab his camping lantern and we went to the basement to wait out the storm. It took a while for me to confirm- via cell calls to friends who still had power, that the danger had passed.

I was able to confirm my daughter's safety- she was working at the hospital and experienced her first tornado code. It is just such a strange way to live.

We are expecting storms all week, not a comforting thought. And really, enough with the rain. If farmers can't plant their corn by June 1st, they can't get it insured. Which will mean higher feed prices and higher food costs.

So say a little prayer...

Busy...

How can you diet and exercise when you are busy? How do you do the lawncare, dishes, laundry return receivers and routers and go to the Fishing Derby, get home in time to watch your daughter go to the prom, then attend a work function looking and acting like the professional you are supposed to be?

I cannot lie- a good number of things did not get finished, were not done...

Saturday morning I drove with my son to Oxford to the private lake where we have our fishing derby. I sat under the leader tent, unhooking Blue Gills and PRAYING my son would catch something...anything...

With David P helping him (and adding a bobber (?) to John's line) my son was soon the proud fisherman with an 8in Blue Gill on his line. It was not the biggest fish caught, but he did well casting- according to Dave who knows about such things- and was happy enough to leave a bit early so we could be home for Elizabeth's big night.

Except...

Liz decided she was not going to the prom. I am not entitled to know why. Is it terrible that my reaction went along the lines of- now I can mail back the stuff to Dish Network via UPS... and that I could even, if I hurried, make it to Time Warner before they closed...

I know, it sounds bad... but I am not the one who called off prom...

When I got back from the mall, I loaded and unloaded after deciding the lawn could wait another day to be edged. Then showered, dressed and with John in tow, picked up my cousin. We then drove to the fundraiser hosted by Jason and Lindsey and their son Maxx. It was a great event, we had a wonderful time, and the money raised for DebRA of America will help our families.

But I was tired getting home so late, and decided not to set an alarm.

Turns out I didn't need to...

My daughter woke me up with "don't be mad". I replied "Then don't wake me up" but I was already awake. And the news was not good.

The non-prom option of a free concert ended with the car being towed. An event that surprised my daughter...

To bail out the car...$186.37...oh, it had to be cash, and they didn't have change...she would pay me back...this from the girl who received $120 to buy a prom dress, who then borrowed a dress that she didn't end up wearing... Did I get that money back? Of course not.

GOD GRANT ME PATIENCE...

So instead of laundry and lawn edging, I got to bail out the Land Rover. By the time I got home, it was raining again. I decided I was going to veg out with my son on the couch. My diet went out the window as I sat down to frozen pizza and Harry Potter (ABC Family was having a marathon) I am done being busy.

No more settling

So I have decided what I want... A friend sent this to me today and I really want to believe it is possible to find this person and share my life with him.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." ~ Bob Marley

Where are you? Come find me...

Done

My insurance company’s check was returned unpaid. The check they issued to repair my basement. Really!?!?

I am so done- done with insurance claims that never get paid and obtuse mortgage companies that make things impossibly difficult.

Do people not understand that I have to work for a living? That running all over town is beyond what I can do today?

I have to wait get the check back from US Bank- for which I was charged 19 dollars- it is being mailed to me.

I have to send it and a notarized affidavit with the insurance appraisal- which is GOD KNOWS WHERE- to the mortgage company.

And I get to wait all over again.

Till my mortgage company feels the urge to send me a check- I think? Who knows? But I am done.

As God is my witness, I am done. I surrender. I give up. I am finished. I have had entirely enough of trying and failing to do everything myself.

Cold weather and hay

Okay, I am back in long sleeve and long pants because we will be lucky to hit 55 today and it is dark and cloudy. Did I mention we also can expect rain for another three days? I am excited that we might get to 69 by Thursday, but am not holding my breathe.

I was in shorts only moments ago, taking the cover off my pool and preparing for summer. How in the world is it only 46 degrees right now? It is the end of May. I need warm weather. And now I am back to sleeping with blankets, plural, as in more than one.

Where is my Spring?

And enough with the rain- my grass is so long I could start baling it to feed farm animals. I have mowed and weed-whacked and it is still totally out of control. It is now higher than my hedges in places.

I keep adding chemicals to the pool, hoping that eventually I will be able to get it warm enough to get into. I need to vacuum it once more, then it will be good to go- unless it rains another 6 inches, in which case I will need to balance it again.

Did I mention I was swimming after work this time last year?

Global Warming....bah humbug. I need to turn on my heater.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

On Mother's Day, I often think about my mother who passed away in 2002. I think of the births of my three children. I think about what motherhood means.

I think about being a Mom to Liz and John... all it entails. Being unpopular because the rules live here. Holding them when they are afraid, loving them and coaxing them toward adulthood. Worrying about their choices. Hoping they reach their dreams...

But I spend time thinking about my "secret child", the one nobody talks about, the one that is rarely acknowledged. As a birthmom to a child I placed for adoption, it is almost like I am not permitted to take any credit for this wonderful child. Lord knows, his mom Jen is magic, and his dad Paul is a true gift to fatherhood. I am forever grateful for that. And the huge family he is a part of gives me great comfort. One day, I am sure, we will touch base and catch up and it will be lovely.

Matt's folks do their best to acknowledge my gift to them. They have shared all the details with our son. They are amazing, kind people. They have allowed me to watch him grow up and it has been such a gift.

That said, on my side, I often feel like I am meant to suck up the silence and forget, "hush, don't talk about THAT" from those who never approved of my choice- I am getting what I deserve for walking away.... and the well-meaning don't know what to say. But for the birthmoms out there, I know what you gave up, I know what it feels like. I am praying for you tonight.

Dancing

"To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking." --Agnes De Mille

I have always enjoyed dancing- from the time my father let me stand on his toes as he waltzed around the room. We went to Irish Ceilidhs when I was a child and it was great music and dancing the night away.

I took Irish step dancing lessons from 3rd to fifth grade- loved the three hand reel, but counted out loud. In sixth grade I took tap and ballet dancing lessons as well- I was able to navigate toe shoes in four months time.

We danced at wedding, we danced at funerals. My father and I won a bottle of champagne at the Dollar Dry Dock dinner dance- dancing is just what we did.

When I dragged my broken heart home during my year off college, my siblings took me dancing. French Charlie's, The Touch, pulsing music, and family.

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul." --Martha Graham

I don't remember when it was that I stopped dancing...kids, marriage, life, divorce, "I don't dance"...

Just Dance on Wii, and recently dancing at a birthday party reminded me how fun it was, how much I enjoy the movement and the music.

I went to a Swing class in Covington Kentucky last night and it was WONDERFUL. I ended up going on my own, danced and danced and danced some more... It was a big group of us, everyone was encouraging, everyone helpful- such a lovely evening.

When I got home, my son said "But you don't even look tired, Mommy."

I wasn't. I felt rejuvenated. I can't wait for the next class. I love to dance.

"Let us read and let us dance - two amusements that will never do any harm to the world." --Voltaire

Who were you meant to be?

‎"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire"

Wow- I am not really sure... And I am coming up on 45 in a hurry. Am I doing the work he calls me to? Yes. Absolutely.

But I am not my job...

So I have decided to have a "me" exploration this summer, while my young son is in New York with his dad.

I am going to take a pottery class- something I have always wanted to do.

I am going to eat better- okay, I confess this is more about winning "The Biggest Loser" at work, but whatever...

And I am going to dance. I am going to swing, and salsa and belly dance.

I am going to jive and swirl and enjoy the pulse of the music.

I am going to play hard. Tonight is my first swing class- I can't wait. My daughter is coming along... An Andy Dillhoff suggestion (Thank You, Andy!). And of course, since it is open to all ages, I am dragging my son along (under protest).

I am hoping it is so fun that it becomes a regular event.

I am also going to sign up for Tau Chi. Try out everything and see what I love. Get out of the house and meet some new people. Sweat a little.

And today I start the Made to Crave 21day Challenge. It is focused on satisfying your deepest desire with God not food.

I am up to the challenge.

Justice for Phoebe...

From the Associated Press, today:

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. – Two of the six teenagers charged in connection with the bullying related suicide of a Massachusetts high school sophomore have been sentenced to a year of probation.
Sean Mulveyhill pleaded guilty to criminal harassment Wednesday in Franklin-Hampshire Juvenile Court.
Kayla Narey admitted to sufficient facts to the same charge, acknowledging the state could win conviction at trial.
Both 18-year-olds were ordered to do 100 hours of community service to help at-risk children, complete their high school education and were barred from profiting from their involvement in the Phoebe Prince case.
Prince, who moved to South Hadley from Ireland, hanged herself in January 2010 in her family's apartment about 100 miles west of Boston. Prosecutors say the 15-year-old had been relentlessly bullied at school.

I am praying for the Prince family today.

Serenity

Insurance companies are a required evil, I am coming to understand. You have to have house insurance if you have a mortgage, you need to carry car insurance...

The requirements, however, are all on the side of the insured.

The company you pay- they have NO obligation to call you back, no obligation to review what you did prior to the adjuster turning up, no obligation to speak to you at all, apparently.

Kevin- the person assigned my claim- was planning to mail me a check based on the adjuster's appraisal, minus my deductible, without ever speaking with me about what occurred.

Our one brief conversation was "I am traveling now, can I call you tomorrow and we can discuss your claim".

And then he didn't call me back.

That was Friday.

Today, after telling my insurance agent that I need a new insurance company, Kevin's boss called to tell me Kevin cut me a check...

Based on an estimate I had never seen...

One that did not include the restoration company clean-up...

It wasn't included BECAUSE HE NEVER SPOKE TO ME... because accuracy is clearly over-rated.

I told Kevin's boss all of this... And I was not nice about it. Not rude, but not nice.

He is looking into it and will get back to me in a couple of days...

Where have I heard that before?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Dating in the internet age

Enough already. I am done. No more dating for me! I have had it up to here (Picture me with my hand near my eyes, please…)

I have decided to stop dating. Because dating is terrible. Always has been, always will be…

Match.com and OKCupid no longer have my profile. I don’t care who my top five matches are. Or who is what percentage of a match, friend or enemy.

No more winks for me.

I am done.

And it is not just because I attracted a WHOLE LOT of crazy-

…the dude in TX looking for someone within 50 miles of his town writing to me… I assured him Ohio- all of it- is more than 50 miles away…

…the one in the Middle East working, who wrote and wrote and then disappeared…

…the “soldier” who wanted to marry me when he got back in August… He disappeared too, but I wonder if he was even vaguely who he represented himself as. ..

Weird winks from far and near…

You have to expect a bit of that…

But when you throw in the ones I actually did the “first date” thing with, it is easier to understand why I am no longer interested…

For my first Match outing, I met up with the Toad- worst date ever. And that is saying something! He HATED his ex-wife venomously and his son refused to have contact with him. Newly divorced, you say? No- the divorce was in 1995…

And we had not even been seated for dinner yet…

Really?

The next Match Man was Ken… newly separated, we had a wonderful first date… I had a great time… He had a great time…

We were sending texts like a pair of teenagers…

But he really loved his wife… so I told him to go to counseling and make it work, because 20 years is a lot to throw away… cause the right thing is the right thing…

Within a week of our date, he went back to his wife… My sister said the wife should have sent me flowers…

On April Fool’s day, I met Monkeyboy, or Match date number 3 for lunch. I really should have known better than to waste my day off driving 70 miles to meet this fool. The fact that he lied about his height aside, (cause you know I would not be taller than you if you really were 5’6’’- really did you think I would not notice?!?) I really think he was high.

He watched TV over my shoulder during lunch and was unable to hold up his end of the conversation. And really, this is me- I can talk forever- ask anyone… His big interest was “the girls”…really? Did you really think you were going to get up close and personal without a personality? Dumb as Rocks. And he really reminded me of a monkey.

I really hate dating

After my fourth “first date” with Joe, who had seemed so promising on paper, I actually cried. Because there was absolutely NOTHING there. So much in common and it was like being out with my brother…

Then came a “maybe” match on OKCupid… good guy, on the busy side, seemed like a genuinely nice fellow. We scheduled a first meeting, then disaster struck and I had to cancel.

Sometimes God raises his voice…

Why, you ask, do I say this?

Because the night before our first date, this man slept with his old fiancée. He was going to tell me when I met him for dinner.

Really? Seriously? I would have beat the daylights out of him if I drove all that way for him to tell me, “Sorry, not really interested.”

What the heck is wrong with these guys?

So I am not dating. I am done.

That Red Letter Day...

Back in college, on May 1st, 1987, I learned my friend Amy's brother David died in Europe. The shock of learning this news- I can't describe.

Amy and I had met in the mountains of Kentucky at Peace Place. We had worked at a day camp for kids who had so little. It was run by two nuns who also took in foster children and showered them with love. I felt so close to God there...

On that same day in May, a girlfriend of mine broke it off with her long-term boyfriend.

The tears came in floods as we prepared for finals. Crying on the train, crying in class, crying as our friends said hello. It was a very long, difficult day.

I went to David's funeral several days later and cried some more. Be Not Afraid- streaming tears. My heart broke for his sister and their parents. I could not conceive of such a tremendous loss.

I was such a little girl then.

In the 24 years since, there have been many "Red Letter" days. Days of heartbreak, days of loss, days of overwhelming sadness.

But now May 1st has become a different type of Red Letter Day.

On May 1, 2011, two extraordinary things happened. First, the beatification of Pope John Paul II. A huge event and special to me, as I remember standing on a curb in 1979 with my friends so we could catch a glimpse of the new Pope as he drove through the South Bronx. A saint in the making, a great man.

The second event- stunning- was the death of Osama Bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaida. He and those with him in the Pakistan compound were killed during a U.S. raid. He was then buried at sea, denying his faithful a shrine to visit.

It has been almost ten years that he has been hunted. And now God is his judge.

What a difference a day makes.