9/11 remembered

Twenty years ago, 19 terrorists murdered 2977 and injured over 6000 more. Most were civilians. Over 400 were first responders from the FDNY and NYPD. Many more first responders are sick and dying from the exposure to toxins from the lower Manhattan site. We continue to lose these amazing heroes.

September 11th was the worst terrorist event in US history.

Here we are in 2021- twenty years later and we have seen Osama Bin Laden killed by US Navy SEALs and decades of war in Afghanistan and Iraq that began in the wake of the attack. We have seen a world wide plague in COVID-19 and a widening political divide domestically.

And I remember those who were lost. And grieve for their futures, that were taken away on that beautiful, bright and sunny Fall morning. 

When an Ex dies...

I read a blog post "When An Ex-Spouse Dies" and it felt like it was written just for me. Joanne Funch states:

"It’s complicated and referred to as disenfranchised grief.  Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not publicly acknowledged, socially supported, and openly mourned." 

It  really hits home on this week of all weeks. I found out on Monday that Tuesday was the one year anniversary of the death of a man I used to know. He died after a 3 year battle with cancer. I had not seen him in over twenty years, and it feels like we knew each other ten lifetimes ago. But we had a child together- the son I placed for adoption. And I feel sadness now, for both of them.

And for myself.

Disenfranchised grief- because how can I say my heart hurts for someone I haven't thought about in ages?

Because the adoption was a choice we both made, but that he kept silent about his whole life, as far as I know.

Because I got to meet our son as an adult and he never got to experience the wonderful gift we gave the world.

I am sad for all the loss. Rest in peace.

One of those weeks...

I am having a bad week. It was a week that started with the 50th Birthday of my ex, who died last summer. I am still so sad about it. And it isn't like I am the widow and people can understand my grief. I am the ex-wife and divorced and so why am I so sad, still.

Then the next day, during a zoom meeting with my work team, an integral member announced he is leaving our institution. And from what I could see from the faces of those on the call, I was the last one to know this huge piece of news. I can only thank heavens that I:

 a) did not say YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! on the call, because my Bronx was in my mouth begging to come out.

b) had no camera on my computer to capture my expression.

He only took over the role in December, when the person who was in the position retired. And he is suggesting the leadership role move to another division. One I do not work in. While I agree the person he is thinking of is perfect to take over the role, I have NO IDEA how that will impact my role, job, future. 

Wednesday involved a cancer scare for one of my daughter's friends (a twenty-something). She is terrified and has to stay at work because she can't take time off. Then in my online class, our professor was dismissive of our concerns about our project, and I once again did not say YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I really want to drop this class.

How is it only Wednesday??? 

The last time I had a week like this, I was in college and had to drop a class due to illness, move out of the dorm because I didn't carry enough credits, lost my college related employment and then had  drop the rest of the classes I could no longer afford to attend because I was unemployed. And I found out the guy I broke up with but still loved with all my heart had moved on. I kept saying, it could be worse... After that week I stopped saying it cause it was like God was trying to prove a point.

Okay, that might have been worse than this week.

But I digress.

Today I worked side by side with my departing colleague, which was fine but I still have no answers. About my future, my plans, my life.

So I am taking off tomorrow- because this week has already been enough.

Brendan Kelly remembered

 My father died a year ago today, and in those 365 days, the whole world has changed. He died and then the COVID-19 lockdown cancelled his funeral. He died before all travel stopped, movies and restaurants closed, before social distancing, before all the dying.

It seems like a lifetime ago.

Book Reviews 2020: The Alice Network

The Alice Network was the best book I have read in a really long time. World War I and World War II, female spies and their roles. I loved every minute of it. It is a well woven story and is was full of unexpected turns. Enjoy it! I certainly did.

Book Reviews 2020: 7 days of Christmas: A Season of Generosity by Jen Hatmaker

In her 2017 book “7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess”, Jen Hatmaker focused on the seven areas that have gotten crazy excessive in most  American lives: Food; Clothes; Spending; Media; Possessions; Waste; and Stress- the “modern-day diseases of greed, materialism, and overindulgence. She and her family did a month long journey on each category and I was impressed.

I really wanted to try to do it myself but I could not get past the 7 foods for 30 whole days. Even picking February, it was 7 foods for 28 days. And my questions were many: Does tea with milk count as one food or two… do all potato products count as one item… coffee vs tea… Which cereal… No room for cereal?!? Could sandwich meat be all sandwich meat? Did I have to pick only one cheese?

I might have overthought the whole thing. I promised myself that one of these days I would try again. Still waiting...

Then came Jen’s new book and the focus is restoring the Season of Christmas. Published just before Christmas 2019, I devoured it. It was LOVE! Do yourself and your family a favor this Christmas season and check it out. 

You will be happier and saner and it will remind you all what Christmas is all about.

Women's right to vote

Ratified on August 18, 1920, the 19th amendment guarantees all American women the right to vote. 100 years have passed since and we are facing the election of an age. Years ago, I watched the movie, Iron Jawed Angels, which told the story of the brave American women who worked to get women the vote.  As I watched the Democratic Convention- which is being done as basically a giant Zoom meeting, I was surprised by the number of Republicans, including Christine Todd Whitman and John Kasich, both former Governors. It is a relief to see them turn their backs on the destruction of the current administration and support a more positive path for America. Hopefully November will bring the USA the change that is needed.