My Father

"Ours had been a complicated relationship, distant and wary. But in his final months, the past didn't matter. I understood -- finally -- that I wanted to be a daughter who sat by his side as often as I could until the very end because that's who I was, not because I thought it would make him the kind of father I wanted him to be." 

Robin Davis spoke about her father dying and sounded so familiar...

My Dad and I have stopped communicating twice in as many years. His choice on both occasions. Both times, he notified me by text.

The first time was a heated angry message I received because, as often as I reached out, in his opinion  I didn't call him often enough. It was startling in its cruelty. My siblings intervened and eventually he reached out, not to apologize, but to resume contact as if nothing had happened.

I let it go because life is short.

The most recent episode was Father's Day. My cell phone, missing since Friday, was finally located deep in my recliner on Sunday evening. When I opened it, my very angry father expressed what an ungrateful person I was. How he did so much for me and I was so busy planning my big vacation (A dig because I told him I couldn't visit him in NYC because it was the week before my safari) that I didn't even call on Father's Day, and now I needn't bother.

This time I decided I was finished. I messaged back that after my lost phone was located, it was something else to be greeted by his message. I signed off "Why try"?

It wasn't until I was having surgery that he reached out. Again, not to apologize, just acting like nothing ever happened.

He wanted me to go visit during the holidays, but I have no vacation time. And I just don't see how it could possibly be a good visit.  We do not get along, and nothing is going to change that at this late stage. I call with regularity, talk to him on topics we can stay neutral on, and do what I can to avoid debate.

And yes- I have on occasion had a co-worker call my phone so I have to hang up...

Well, my father just sent me a birthday card... and I do not have words...

I realized I am who I am, in spite of the complicated relationship I have had with my father.