“Now that this is my reality, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Today I read Lysa’s post, “When God hurts your feelings” http://lysaterkeurst.com/2010/03/when-god-hurts-your-feelings/ and she asked herself the question:


“Now that this is my reality, what am I supposed to do with it?”

I had been there…

A long time ago, my faith was broken into small pieces after a violent assault.

The physical assault was soon matched in a verbal assault that likely did tenfold the damage. The verbal assault was not loud, was not profane… it took place in a chapel and was quiet and controlled as it stripped me of hope.

I was left broken, aching and alone. And the words haunted me. God might have been with me, but I sure didn’t know it. For years, I struggled with believing. It wasn’t a test of my faith. I had no faith left to test.

Hate I had. Distress. Pain. And shame. A whole lot of shame. Shame so overwhelming I could not breathe.

I said nothing for a very long time. I was ashamed. It is still a time I hesitate to share. That fear of judgment. There is still shame, decades later…

What did I do?

I changed to meet my new reality. I took a path in life that was greatly changed from what I had always envisioned. I grew up to be a different person than I thought I would become. I am more tolerant and less judgmental. I know that there are worse things that can happen to people. Bad, horrible life changing tragedies happen every day.

I am blessed with healthy children. I am blessed with a loving family. I am blessed with friends who are family. And there are still really dark days filled with lonely pain.

I do work that I hope makes a difference, even when it changes nothing.

My beliefs no longer fit in the textbook full of rules that I was raised on. I believe that had Jesus Christ been in the chapel that day so long ago, He would have held my hand and said, “I am so sorry.” He would have held me as I cried and told me over and over how much He loved me. And as He loves me, He loves all of us- even those of us who don’t fit in. He loves us.

I am good with that.