My "To Learn" List

New Year’s Eve is upon us. And I thought now would be a good time to see how I did on all my resolutions from last year:

1. Get out of debt- For about 5 minutes last fall, it happened. I want to get there again, and stay there this time. I rate the effort a solid B.
2. Lose weight- I made significant progress, but since it wasn’t all added in a year, I can’t expect it to be all gone yet. Here I give myself an A from April till October, but a D the rest of the year, so a C+ overall.
3. Exercise more- This is B+; who would have thought belly-dancing?!? And Zumba- I really love Zumba.
4. Support charities more- I did a lot more charity at home, helping out those I know this year. A+
5. Spend more quality time with my children- I think my efforts were a solid B…does it count that at times it was the kids who didn’t want to spend time with me?
6. Cook at home more often- I give an A+ to our Thanksgiving efforts. But a C overall.
7. Spend less and save more- C
8. Lower my expenses- C. It was a B up until I bought a new car… so I am back to a car payment and full insurance…
9. Work on my retirement fund- I am up to 15%...still a long way to go. B+
10. Declutter my house- the more I get rid of, the more there seems to be… The effort is an A, but the progress- or lack thereof- drops me to a B.

2011 was about a B overall in the resolution arena.

So what about this year? What resolutions to make? What do I want to do, see and learn?

I want to grow spiritually, emotionally and mentally, while shrinking physically.

I want to live a more fiscally aware life. Quicken and TurboTax should help.

I want to spend more time with my family. I want to learn more of my family history and share it with my children.

I would like to learn how to bake/frost a cake from scratch and it would be nice if it doesn’t look as though something went horribly wrong.

I want to learn how to make my blog a place people want to visit.

I want to learn how to hem pants- though that may be a lofty goal, so I may settle for learning to use a sewing machine and copy my favorite dress. And I would like to learn to knit.

I want to learn Microsoft 2010. I still find there are many things I don't know how to do anymore.

I want to learn the ins and outs of adding my photos to my blog in a timely way.

I want to learn to grow a garden and can veggies. Clearly my first year success was beginner's luck as EVERYTHING died last summer.

I want to learn how to be content with where my life is at the moment- be in the moment instead of wistfully wishing for a better past/future life.

Ohio Winter

A while back, this was sent to me, and today, when we are expecting our first real snowfall of the year, I thought it would be appropriate to share. I wish I knew who the author was...

It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Ohio
Cause I'm frozen to the ground

Christmas Eve 2002

On Tuesday, December 24th, 2002, after an amazing night with my in-laws and the traditional “7 fishes” Christmas dinner, I went to spend Christmas Eve with my mother for the last time.

The finality didn't really hit me at the time, but writing that now physically pains me.

My mother was admitted to the hospital the previous Friday after collapsing at work. My father was called and raced to the hospital. My husband called me at work during our holiday party, with only sketchy details- Mom had fainted… I asked him to have my dad call me as soon as possible.

When Dad called the news wasn’t good. Her heart stopped, and she was cardioverted once before being loaded into the ambulance, and needed to be shocked again while en route to the hospital. She was unconscious and he was going home…

Going HOME?!?!

A co-worker took me to the hospital in my car while another followed us down- they wanted to make sure I had my car. One offered to come with me into the ER, but this I had to do alone.

I don't know if I ever thanked them for the huge service they did for me that day. I am not sure I could thank them enough.

I have to say, I don’t think it is possible to prepare yourself for seeing your comatose parent in an emergency room on a ventilator- I felt faint as the air left my lungs in a rush. Faintness. I gripped the siderail to stay upright. The wave of dizziness passed.

I stood beside my mother , held her hand, and spoke to her gently, telling her we were waiting for a CCU bed, that I would stay with her, that she wasn’t alone. We would not leave her alone. And once we were in CCU, I asked the nurse how it usually went in these cases, already knowing the answer.

Over the weekend, both the Cardiologist and Pulmonologist advised me that my mom had only a small chance of survival. My siblings and I all supported my Dad’s decision to extubate Mom, which was done on Monday, December 23rd. Mom was never alone. One of us was always with her.

My prayer was simple on those days: "Please God, just do whatever Mom wants."

My suspicion was that Mom wanted to spend this Christmas with her father, who died just after Christmas when I was a baby. She was, now, the age he was then...

Christmas Eve at 10pm, I took over. My brother had lovingly washed and brushed my mother's hair, removing the blood from where she hit her head when she collapsed. I sat with her, sang Christmas Hymns to her and said my goodbyes. I suspected her time with us was short.

At 2am, I was on my way home, my brother telling me to go, to celebrate Christmas with my children. Santa needed to make an appearance, after all. My son John's first Christmas...

There was over a foot of snow by morning, so much that my younger sister was unable to get to the hospital that morning. My older sister stayed with Mom after relieving my brother that afternoon, once her children had celebrated that morning.

When the phone rang late that night, I knew it was the call. My heartbroken older sister... telling me Mom was gone. She would be spending this Christmas with the father she loved.

So now I cry during Christmas services. And I cry when I hear the radio play:

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful,
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

Nine Christmas nights later, she is still missed, still loved. Merry Christmas, Mom!

Heartwarming Stories of Love

Take a minute and read this story:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/anonymous-donors-pay-off-kmart-222535611.html

Warms your heart, doesn't it?

Just doing the right thing, because it is the right thing, doing for others in their time of need...

This is the best in people.

To all those "Secret Santas" out there- THANK YOU!

And to Ben's wife- He is looking down on you with love, you have made him so proud!

Friendship and Love

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. C. S. Lewis

All the presents are bought but not wrapped just yet. The yard and the house are decorated. Cookies were baked (and eaten) And I am about halfway through writing my Christmas cards. Reaching out to each of the folks in my life who only serve to make it better.

It is an effort of love.

I have my corny letter, with pictures of the kids, include the new house number... all the usual elements that folks hardly think about.

I have a big selection of cards this year, because I shopped after Christmas and got some great deals on the fancy cards I would never pay full price for. I even have the "Forever" stamps that are seasonal.

It isn't something I have to do. I do it because I want to. I want to check in with everyone, wish them well and happy... Not a big thing, really.

But each card is a tangable sign of love.

From my house to yours...

Mom's Greatest Gift

When I was a very little girl, my mother was given the most wonderful gift I had ever seen:

A painted china bowl and lid, in which the bowl was a nest and the lid was a hen. The thing that made it wonderful was that when you lifted the hen lid off, two eggs were nestled inside…a salt and pepper shaker.

It was the greatest gift ever. What could be more wonderous.

I was fascinated. It was SO beautiful. The most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Mom would let me touch it and study it when she was watching, and I loved it as much as she did. Possibly more.

One afternoon, her friends came over, and we had a cook-out in the yard. Eileen, who used to live in our downstairs apartment, had not been over for a visit in a while, and I was anxious to show off my mother’s new treasure.

My mother said I could fetch it from the china closet and bring it out to show her friend.

“Be Careful, Geraldine.”

I was careful.
I opened the door of the China closet. I used both hands.

I walked to the back door, cradling it with both hands.

I was careful.

I went down the 3 back steps from the porch.

So careful.

And then, just a couple of feet from Eileen, I stumbled, going down on both knees and elbows.

And time seemed almost to stop as the covered bowl shattered into thousands of sharp shards against the concrete ground.

My little heart was broken- my mother’s beautiful gift and I smashed it

But my mother didn’t see the broken treasure. The covered bowl was just a thing.

She only saw her baby with bleeding knees and elbows that she cleaned and kissed better.

Because she loved me.

My mother taught me that day. One of her many lessons of loving with a whole heart.

Happy Birthday, Mom. We still miss you!

Christmas Shopping?!?

So getting real for the holidays is going to be interesting.

I already have a nice gift for my daughter, and no, it is not a car. My son will go to Space Camp as his WHOLE gift, as he is one of the lucky 48 children in the 4th grade chosen. And the family Kris Kringle wants a gift from Auto Zone.

Which means…

NO MALLS… No department stores… no crazy shopping experiences that torture me. Yes. I am female and I HATE to shop. There is no joy in it… I could never see another mall and be JUST FINE with it. I was Mall free… (Insert “Happy Dance” here)

That was the plan anyway…

But my son, who receives an allowance for chores that include taking out the garbage and animal care, has saved money and wants to buy everyone the perfect Christmas gift. I helped him pick up his dad’s gift on-line for less than $10, a good start, and he did not want me with him when he shopped for me…

So my daughter took him to the mall. And I stayed home, did a little decorating, made hot tea and read a book.

Mall avoidance is a wonderful thing.

He spent more than he should have, but is just delighted with his choice.

The one drawback is that he wants to shop for Liz. He wants to buy her perfume.

Normally, I would suggest my son go shopping with his Dad, who is flying in to see John for Christmas. Let them bond...This year, though, he arrives on Christmas Eve. And I like my ex enough that I wouldn’t subject him to the mall on Christmas Eve. That would just be mean!

Which means…

I have to go to the Mall.

Wrong on so many levels…

World AIDS Day

What was it like then, when AIDS was still new? Because I remember a world where AIDS didn’t exist, and remember how it crept up on us.

I remember the news clips from the beginning- people evicted because of this new disease. New York City was one of the first boiling points, before the disease had a name or a virus attached. People were dying, and people were afraid.

I remember Rock Hudson and Doris Day, in the days before he died. He confessed his secret life to the nation, the world, and suddenly the gates were opened.

But mostly I remember Woody. The first person I ever knew who died from AIDS.

A neighborhood boy I had known all my life. Dark hair, mustache, and a deep tan- handsome even though he was short as guys go. He was Meat-man’s best friend. When I was nine, they taught me to play poker on the stoop in front of Meat-man’s house. I remember how special it felt for these grown up boys to teach me how to play.

I remember his name tagged on the mailbox and the side of a building. That was what they all did, back in the day.

I remember when they shaved off half Woody’s mustache when he was sleeping. How everyone laughed at his outrage. How young he looked without it. And they laughed even harder when he complained he had an interview the next day.

My little sister had a huge crush on him. She took pictures of him on the garage roof, getting ready to jump in the neighbors’ pool. How crazy and reckless and so fun to watch.

He dated one of the girls from next door. How she loved him. But it didn’t work out.

He joined the military, married, had a baby boy, and I stopped seeing him around the neighborhood.

My older sister was the one who told me. “Woody has AIDS” By then, Woody was dying.

Disbelief- shock- pain… How could the crazy brave teenager who jumped in the pool from the roof of the garage be dying?

And everyone was afraid. It was 1990 and everyone was terrified. My heart broke for his family.

Then when he passed away, there was a closed coffin, as they would not embalm him.

Woody was gone. And now we all knew what AIDS could do.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

176 years ago, Samuel Langhorne Clemens was born. In 8th grade, my first research paper, done with the aid of two sizes of index cards and the 42nd street library, focused on his writing.

After leaving school at 13, Clemens worked with printing presses, first as an apprentice and later with his brother. He also piloted a steam boat, which gave him his pen name- Mark Twain was a measure that indicated the river could be safely navigated.

During the Civil War, Clemens became a newspaper man, and worked all over the United States. And he wrote witty stories and tales. There was a magic to them.

He had a captivating way of capturing moments and characters, and these are present in all of the books and stories he shared with the world. Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn... The literary world is richer for his efforts.

Happy Birthday!

An Attitude of Gratitude

As the first event of the Christmas season, Thanksgiving is an opportunity to say “thank you” for all we have. And we have so much… Electricity, in-door plumbing, washing machines… the list of modern conveniences goes on and on… So where to start… As this was a rough year for me, I am starting with a “Thank you” to everyone who I called in a moment of panic, crying in grief, angry beyond reason or laughing so hard it was difficult to breath. It is great to have such loving friends … So I am thankful you answered my calls… I am thankful for my children, that they are with me, healthy… Doing what I do, and seeing what I see, this is such a huge thing… I am thankful for my health and everyone helping me on my healthy journey… from joining me at Zumba to cheering my finally healthier choices… the support makes it possible. I am thankful to have work I love, a home I will (God willing) own one day, and a life full of good things. Health insurance… cable… landscaping… Tony Stewart...my beautiful bathroom… books that make me laugh out loud (John still thinks it is weird but there you go…) Life is good. Please pass the stuffing…

Stuff and space

When Kristen Strong wrote about wanted a smart phone, but God telling her it was not time, I laughed- Me and my flip phone feel you really. And I would do all that cool “click her to read the article” stuff if I had any idea how, but let’s face it. I am a low tech blogger. I mean when is the last time I uploaded a photo?

I digress…

The November 14, 2011 It’s Not for You, Sweet Thing on incourage.me reminded me of God encouraging me to do without. My spending fast attempts have been just pitiful, but at least now I am HYPER aware of my overspending.

I actually sat in a car and considered getting another loan to purchase it… What is wrong with me? I just paid off my last car nightmare, and I almost jumped in with both feet… Again! I walked away, but only barely…

I landscaped my desperate front lawn… A need, not a want… but a boatload of money just the same. It looks great and God is doing a great job of keeping it watered so far… though I thought I saw a little weed this morning that will be a goner this evening if I have my way.

I did take-out food twice this weekend… too lazy to be creative in the kitchen… and it was junky take-out at that. I let my daughter do the grocery shopping and some staples were overlooked. So much for delegating…

At least the news is not all bad. I went to the library instead of the bookstore. Goodwill got 7 boxes of crap that used to live in my house. And after working at it yesterday, I think I have another 2-3 ready to go.

My giant laundry room, AKA the household dumping ground, where all old things go to die, is starting to show signs of having a floor again (don’t ask how high the laundry pile was- I am so embarrassed I would have to lie) And the counter where you are supposed to fold the clothes (except it is usually piled high with clean clothes) is actually functional again. The goal to have to space emptied and organized by Christmas… 40 days… Yikes!

And my garage- I just do not know where all the stuff is coming from. I will need a U-haul to get it all to Goodwill. Not to mention some folks with more upper body strength than me.

George Carlin was right… A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it- and since I will not be expanding the cover any time soon, I need to shrink the pile.

Verteran's Day

Back in the days of World War I, or the Great War, as it was known at the time, because who could have imagined then that WWII was just around the corner, my grandfather went to war with his brother John.

They were conscripts in the British Army… as Ireland had not yet achieved independence and was still part of the “Empire”.

I often think of how my grandfather felt when John was shot and killed in a field in Northern France. His mother was sent a picture of his grave…

I wonder how my grandfather felt as a prisoner of war.

Or how disappointing it was to have his escape from the prison camp foiled, how painful it was when they beat him with a shovel for trying…

He survived, and was eventually able to bribe his way out. I learned all this from my father. Grandpa never talked about any of this with me.

On finding freedom, he rejoined the British and was sent to Northern Africa. He served under a British officer, Larry. This story Grandpa did tell me, as we sat in the living room of my childhood home.

After a series of thefts, Larry declared he would execute the thief by firing squad. The thefts continued, coins, lighters, and money clips all going missing.

And then the culprit, a monkey belonging to one of the soldiers, was caught in the act and apprehended. Larry, always a man of his word, ordered the monkey bound and blindfolded, even having them allow the monkey a cigarette before they shot the little beast.

That was Larry for you, my Grandpa said with pride. Then I went off to get Grandpa his whiskey and water- “A little more whiskey than water, my dear.”

As I walked to the kitchen, my father stopped me. Clearly he had been listening.

“Do you know who the officer was?”

I shook my head… Grandpa had not said a last name.

“Lawrence of Arabia”

My grandpa didn’t share any of his other war stories with me. I wish he had.

Today, I remember him and all those who have served. Freedom isn’t free.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Peace Corps

Childbirth

Sky-diving

Three very different events, with a common theme.

They are all scary, exciting adventures. They each come with inherent risk. And I did each one.

Peace Corps was a life-long dream filled with uncertainty. A new country. A new culture, a whole new life when you step off the plane that hits you over and over, like waves at the beach on a day of rough seas. All your traditional supports, family, friends, familiar landmarks- are far away. Speaking roughly in a language that is not your own- it is so much harder, so much work all the time… until the time when you find yourself no longer thinking in English…and you look at the people around you and know that they now are part of your family, part of your soul…and just when it all becomes “home” you return to a landscape you were born to that no longer seems familiar.

Childbirth, which can’t be understood unless you understand. After three very different births under three very different sets of circumstances, the truth I found is that giving life is a gift from God. That said, the physical work of birthing a child is not what makes you a mom. During labor the pain is overwhelming until it vanishes, and there is a brand new life they place in your arms.

With my daughter, I was so weak after she arrived from my huge blood loss, I was terrified I would drop her. My sister sat next to me, holding my sweet girl to my face, until she was taken to the NICU. I saw her only once again before we were discharged five days later. Isolated on a different unit, too weak to travel even within the hospital, I signed for the sepsis work-up, I was transfused, and we were apart. Finally I was able to take her home- I remember her being so small inside her yellow snowsuit. And so tiny in the great big car seat…

And the little voice in my head saying, “Don’t screw up, you’re a Mommy now.”

And my aching body swore, “NEVER AGAIN!”

Yeah, right…

Sky-diving was terrifying to contemplate. Crazy, yet irresistible. And in my family, it was a tradition…sort of… My brother and my cousin had each done it, and raved about how awesome it was. As a girl who bootlegged flying lessons till she found out she could never qualify as a pilot, I was game to try. Two of my friends were going to join me… except the married one was told by his wife “OVER MY DEAD BODY” or words to that effect. Then my other friend backed out at the last minute.

What is a girl to do?

I went anyway.

I drove up to the Catskills, signed a thousand consent forms, watched a video of a super hippie with a crazy long white beard in an old school bus turned classroom, got goggles, a helmet, and gloves and went to be placed in my harness. A tight harness is a good harness. As a single, I went up in the first plane of the day. I was too excited to be scared- which may point to insanity on some level.

At 3000 feet up, the plane door was rolled up and the first three skydivers went out without hesitation. These were experienced folks, free diving. As a novice, I was going tandem, my Master Diver firmly linked behind me, harness to harness.

We stood by the door, looking at the rolling hills alive with autumn colors as far as the eye could see. As he showed me in practice, we rocked in the doorway.

One…

Two…

On three, we dropped into space, and I could not catch my breath in the rush of the cold air.

My instructor had told me as we went through prep- “If you can’t breathe, close your mouth” which at the time sounded odd, but on closing my mouth, I was able to breathe again. And we raced towards earth.

45 seconds of free fall really cleanses your mind… You are free in a way that is hard to understand.

At 5500 feet above the ground, the D-Ring pulled, my chute deploys and we are jerked hard upward as the parachute fills and slows our fall. Now I understand why the harness needs to be almost painfully tight.

We glide to earth and the rolling hills are brilliant. My heart is racing, adrenaline ignites my body and pulses through me.

We safely land and I feel alive in a new way. Like the world is open to me. All things are possible.

I have built my life and myself from my choices and experiences. Every time I take a risk, change my life, I am a different person because of them. Each one helped me get to the place I am now.

Sky-diving, anyone?

All Saint's day

All Saints Day is a holiday meant to honor all the saints, known and unknown. We celebrate today.

All Souls Day- day of the dead- is tomorrow and celebrates all who have gone ahead of us. All my EB angels and all those loved ones I have said goodbye to... "Till we meet again..."

Catholics celebrate All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day in the fundamental belief that there is a prayerful spiritual communion between those in the state of grace who have died and are either being purified in purgatory or are in heaven. The priest discussed how this is the one holy day that is all about us. That sainthood is sometimes a lifetime of quietly helping others.

In our little chapel in the A building, I prayed for those who have gone before me. Even if, in my heart of hearts, I know they are the ones giving me strength on my bad days. Today was about thanking them, with love.

Snow in October?!?!?

My sister called me yesterday morning and I missed her call.

When I rang her back she said she had called to tell me her power and cable were out, due to an early snowstorm.

Snowstorm?

I didn’t believe her. I had been out at a party the previous day and thought she must be kidding me- so I turned on the TV…

It had snowed in New York City- the whole Eastern coastline had been slammed hard… Her kids have a snow day on Halloween. A snow day. In October. The whole thing is just so wrong on so many levels.

In my lifetime it has NEVER snowed in October in New York City. NEVER. And I have been around for quite some time.

How in the world?

I checked the web: “The last time that Central Park recorded measurable snow was on Oct. 21, 1952 when 0.5 of an inch fell. Prior to that, 0.8 of an inch fell on Oct. 30, 1925.” (http://www.accuweather.com/blogs/news/story/57059/snow-piling-up-across-the-nort.asp)

Seriously the largest snowfall in recorded history- they started tracking after the Civil War- that ever fell in New York… over two inches in Central Park…

It is October… Granted it is the last day of October, but seriously? Snow? For Halloween? I don’t even like snow for Thanksgiving. It really doesn’t need to snow till Christmas and even then a light dusting will do.

I would like to say how freaking delighted I am not to be shoveling snow today, but I am afraid to jinx myself. I am also afraid I will get hate mail if I say what a beautiful day we had here in Ohio yesterday.

I know our turn is coming. I am just hoping we get a couple of months before that cold wet stuff starts falling out of the sky.

New lawn today

I am getting my front yard landscaped today. Oh the joys of homeownership... where your home owns you. AKA why I never go anywhere...

Landscaping doesn’t sound like a big deal unless you understand how bad/sad my front yard is. This green stuff that grows on the ground here...what a pain in the butt. And all my neighbors have beautiful yards- lawns right out of a magazine. I am clearly bringing down home values…

I have not done any real labor intensive yard work since losing my original lawn guy, Brian. And when he was here, he did all the things that made my yard pretty. He used to take such pride in making my yard nice. The sight of it these days would probably reduce him to tears.

Not all my fault... just mostly. I am a city girl. So knowing invasive weeds from lovely ground cover… not really in my skill set. And honestly, watering the grass- isn’t that what rain is for?

After the sewer line was repaired, I had a big mound of dirt with deep gullies on either side, so really, why try so hard- the mound needed to settle...Unfortunately, 6 months later, it is more or less flat and barren except for the weeds. I really grow weeds quite well. My tomatoes all died, but I have thistles and dandelions to spare.

Clearly I need help. So I hired Bruce.

He is going to weed and plant and sandblast and seed and then I am calling it done. It will cost me a bit, but let’s face it- I am not going to do it myself. It is bad enough I will need to rake leaves. The only good part about winter is the reduction of yard work.

If all goes well, I will have lovely front and side yard beds. Beautiful curb appeal. I am actually excited that my yard won't be the worst on the block for a while.

The backyard will still look like crap, but with any luck, that will be a job for spring when I have some money. Hopefully in time to have a real veggie garden. It could happen.

Peace

Twenty-five years ago, Pope John Paul II declared a day of global peace. At the time it was considered a radical concept- nevertheless, John Paul rallied the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Japanese Shinto priests, fire-worshipping Zoroastrians, peace-pipe-smoking Native Americans and the chief rabbi of Rome to come to Assisi. He made clear they were together to pray.

Today this effort at world peace is being remembered as world religious leaders again gather in Assisi.

I pray with them today.

Gonna be a long week!

John had stomach pain this morning. I am not certain it isn’t stress related. School has been hard for him this year…

But even as he gets ready to go to school, he is guarding his belly… Maybe he is constipated… Or is starting something… I am not sure.

No fever, but my baby hurts.

So I left my maybe- sick child with his sound asleep sister at home and rushed to the office. Sat down to start my day’s work only to discover I forgot my computer bag.

By my front door.

An hour away.

Really?

Did I mention it was Monday morning? The first day of what already promises to be a long, hectic week.

The long week has nothing to do with the fender bender my daughter got into over the weekend… yeah, she hit a parked car. Minor damage and irritation (and a premium increase that I am sure is coming). Nobody hurt. The best kind of accident to have. These things happen…

It has nothing to do with my weed infested no-grass front yard that needs help in a big way.

Or my back yard that is overgrowing and filled with stuff the puppy has chewed
I have so much yard work to do before winter...

But I digress…

No laptop means I can’t work on a number of projects…

Soooo I drive home, get my laptop and return to work, trying not to think about the amount of gas and time I just wasted. These things happen…

I log in, already an hour behind schedule… And it is time for me to move over to Microsoft 2010… Did I mention I was still using 2003? Hated 2007? And had no choice?

I need coffee. Which I have time to make while I am awaiting my computer upgrade.

6574 is the magic number

I have been a mom for 6574 days. My firstborn arrived this morning, 18 years ago, and I stopped being who I used to be and became a mom... It has been an amazing journey. I am so much smarter, no, wiser than I was all those years ago. And she is the longest love affair I have ever had- she has been the love of my life- even when she is the root cause of my craziest day.

I love you Elizabeth.

I probably don't say that enough. Between harping about personal responsibility- AKA Clean up your room! When will you do you wash? and pushing her to do all the things that need doing- doing homework, getting to work, etc... I just don't know if the love is always visable.

It is always there. And has been. For 6574 days and counting.

I guess she may not really see it until she is in the middle of it with her own child.

Happy Birthday my love.

Burying children

Last night, Adrian's life was celebrated. Crowds filled every corner of the funeral home. the parking lot was filled beyond capacity. The pain was palpable.

You should never have to attend the funeral of a 17y/o you know. This was my third.

The service was full of love. And when Aaron spoke of his sweet brother, all of us cried together... His pain shared with all of us, his loss was our loss.

One of the men who spoke shared a profound thought: Why do we worry that Jesus won't forgive us our past- He died on the cross before we had one...

I hugged Liz as she cried. What a hard thing for a child to endure!

Tomorrow night they are holding a fundraiser to help the family deal with all the expenses involved.

I will continue to pray for Adrian's family

The Tragedy of Underage Drinking

Okay- I am not a “cool” mom. I don’t let anyone under 21 drink in my house. I have a ZERO- TOLERANCE drug policy- you want to do drugs, I want no part of you.

I am just not okay with any of it. And can be a real bitch about it.

Maybe it has to do with being a small child in a car with an impaired driver… often. Nothing ever happened, but it was not for want of trying…

Maybe it is because I remember a fatal wreck in High School, where all but the driver died. They were boys Marie (from my homeroom) grew up with. Her heart was broken.

I don’t drink and drive.

Because it is not safe.

Because it can be fatal.

On Thursday morning last week, my daughter received a call from her friend, Aaron. His brother, Adrian, along with John and Chris, had been drinking at the home of a man old enough to know better. A man who had previously been cited for serving minors… Who had dated Adrian’s mom…

Four of them in a Prelude, this man at the wheel, tragedy only moments away. At twice the speed limit plus, this man lost control and hit a tree.

Adrian was dead. At 17 years old, he will be buried. I pray for his poor mother. And his twin, his whole family…

John was uninjured physically, but emotionally, he will have scars.

Chris is in the hospital with fractures that can be seen.

The driver has been charged with a number of crimes, and awaits his trial behind bars.

And the thought that runs through my mind-

“Would they have gotten into the car with this impaired individual if they were sober?”

Liz flew home within hours of the crash and is doing what she can to soothe her friends. And I am doing what I can to ease her pain. And I am praying.

Spending Fast, take two...

Okay, so I was a complete and utter FLOP at this the last time (See July and August entries)...Anna Newell Jones, of AndThenSheSaved.com is clearly a better person than me.

I am going to try this again. October 1st is the launch date for my second attempt. Hopefully I last more than a week this time around.

And here is my updated list of Items I need to spend money on:

Mortgage/Home Insurance/Escrow: Not optional!

Urgent Home repairs- To rate as urgent I will ask Tony; If he says "Now", then now it is.

Utilities (keeping lights and water off as much as possible and using the dryer less; keeping the thermostat at 65 and wearing a sweater when the cold comes)

Basic Cell phone service- For both John and me. He is keeping Liz's number and I have my own bill now.

Internet/TV/Phone- because as much as I need to pay my debt, I need 911 ability when the power is out, internet for working from home, and TV for my son so the next six months does not kill him

Food (store bought and only when I run out of stuff in cupboards and freezers)

School fees and Latchkey (like death and taxes- unavoidable!)

Allowance for John- cause he works so hard

Fairfield Community Center Pass for me- the exercise is essential to my health plan.

Doctors, Dentists and Medication co-pays- cause healthy is happy. (And with 2 less meds, it is less money)

Car insurance- which is down to the bare bones with both the Monte and the Land Rover sold.

Birthday and Christmas gifts for my children and our family Kris Kringle- this is a need for the holiday spirit, cause Christmas is still really hard for me.

Gas for commuting, oil changes, and other car maintainance stuff

Life insurance

Charitable giving- I have routine financial donations I make, and will donate all the extra stuff- AKA crap- I have EVERYWHERE. My daughter may be right. HOARDERS may need a call...

My Emergency fund... it is sorely underfunded.

My retirement fund- 15% is coming off the top. I have lost too much ground to ignore my future planning.


What I'm NOT spending money on:

Books… I have plenty I have not read yet, but this still hurts...

Cards & Gifts - truth be told, I definitely have enough cards of all kinds to last a year... or ten... see Hoarders comment above...

Trinkets…AKA crap...There is a great deal of stuff that fits in this category...

New make-up, hair stuff- bands, elastics etc… This may belong with trinkets...AKA crap...

Eating out- no McDonalds, IHOP, Applebees… the list goes on but you get the idea...

Movies/DVDs… not even Harry Potter on DVD… Which would make such a good Christmas gift if someone wanted to buy me something...

Shoes…which usually is not a big deal for me… I can already feel people wrinkling their noses.

Bed linens/Towels/Houseware items… There is already too much stuff living in this house.

Decorative house stuff

Amazon.com… so expect their stock to PLUMMET during these 6 months

Cafeteria food… I spend a BOATLOAD of money in the cafeteria…

Poker…KILLING ME…

Now, several of you may have noticed I did not include debt repayment in my plan anywhere. This is because I am consumer debt free. Let me say that again:

I am consumer debt free.

I am writing checks this week to erase every outstanding balance. My only debt will be my mortgage.

I just cannot believe it.

Now I know some will ask- why fast if you are free? And the simple answer is... I have been debt free before. And I blew it. So the fast is about teaching me WANT from NEED. It is to teach me about SAVING as a priority. For too long, too many of us have not done enough to protect ourselves. I have had 3 people in my life search for work for over a year. It happens. And I need to be ready. Six months of expenses in an Emergency fund? I don't have 6 days. And that needs to change. Now is the time.

Ode to my Land Rover

My Land Rover Discovery SE7 joined my family in the fall of 2008. It had duel moon rooves, heated power front seats, 6 disk changer, and comfortably seated seven. It was midnight blue and had 59,000 miles on it when I purchased it for less than $15,000... Love at first sight... my Hot Ride. God it was beautiful!

We took it to New York, we took it to Gaitlinburg, and driving in the snow was pure joy. Did I mention the heated seats? Moon roof x 2? AWESOME stereo (although I may end up deaf as a result...)

As a kid, when I pictured myself driving across the plains of Africa, I was ALWAYS in a Land Rover.

It was a dream car...

2011 was not a good year for my Land Rover. Bad brakes, worn tires and teenager mess aside, it needed new head gaskets, and there was something up with the electrical system... Head gaskets were a HUGE expense, but brought the car back to life for a while. But Tom (who runs Forest Park Auto) warned me I was on borrowed time. He advised I get out of it as soon as I could. So I started to aggresively pay down the loan. On September 9th, I made my last payment.

The electric problem had me jumping the car on a really regular basis. I replaced the battery, and it still gave me problems. So Mike towed it (even though it started for him) and fixed the front brakes, and I was considering trading it in but I don't want another car loan right now, or the full coverage insurance required.

I also considered keeping it for a while... But even with the fixes, Tom's warning played in my mind... I was on borrowed time. So I decided to sell it while it still had some value.

Driving in for the appraisal, I remembered how much fun and life we had in my very hot ride. But it was time...

Behaving for the appraiser, the Land Rover served me well one last time. I got an offer for more than I thought I could from a dealer. And the car went to someone who can deal with any issues that arise. It is off my insurance today.

Let the celebration begin...

Day 5: Prayer: Jesus I say yes before I even know what your request will be today.

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:4-5)

Thought: The more we know God, the more we want to say yes to Him. The more we say yes to Him the more we realize there are divine opportunities to participate in His activity all around us. As we participate in loving others like Jesus does, our attitude becomes more and more like Jesus.

Activity: Today let’s be other’s focused. Let’s ask God for opportunities to honor Him by looking to the interest of others. Let other people in line ahead of us. Let the conversations be about the other person. Make our focus giving rather than receiving.

My friend and I talked this week while she was grocery shopping- she remarked that somebody left coupons on the shelf of an item she was buying. She thought it was strange. I remarked that since I started really using coupons, I often had coupons for items I didn't use, and would leave them on the shelf for the next person buying the product. It was a small thing on my end, but I liked to think it would bring a small smile to someone- a little random act of kindness.

Shouldn't the world be full of these small things? And be a better place because of it?

Day 4: Prayer: Jesus I want to follow hard after you.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” (Psalm 86:11)

Thought: Is there something dividing your heart and distracting you from seeing, hearing and knowing God more? Pray a courageous prayer. Ask God what is one distraction you could distance yourself from today to more fully embrace an awareness of Him? Is it facebook? Eating unhealthy foods? Soda? Needing attention from another person? A material possession? Whatever it is, spend a day fasting from your distraction.

Activity: Each time you think of what you’ve given up, use that as a trigger to pray Psalm 86:11.

"Give me the strenght to say goodbye and forgive myself the tears I cry..." I wrote those words over a decade ago, when I first learned I could love someone more than myself, put his needs before my own. They are ringing in my ears again...

Can it be time? Again God raises his voice.

Another opportunity to let go, move on, and know love sometimes means saying goodbye...

So today, this first new day, I will focus on the needs not the wants. I will start again the tasks I have let fall away. I will move forward. I will strive to do better for myself and my family. And I will patiently wait for guidance.

Day 3: Prayer: Jesus I want to know you.

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.” Ephesians 1:17.

Thought: I love the words, “I keep asking.” Persistence and consistency are key in our walk with the Lord. Ask the Lord many times today to give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know Him better. Make knowing Him the focal point of every prayer today… more than anything else you are asking for right now.

Activity: Write this verse on a card and carry it with you. Make a point to pray this verse out loud at least once during every hour you are awake today. Remember when you pray the word of God, you pray the will of God. God wants you to know Him better. Think about the difference this made in your day as you fall asleep tonight.

Wisdom and revelation would help today. I am struggling with my own words in my efforts to bring comfort to needy families today. I am aching for their pain, the suffering of their children. EB is wearing me down today... I may need to do a few days on this, my third day...

Day 2: Prayer: Jesus I want to hear you.

“He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears and I have not been rebellious. (Isaiah50: 4b-5).

Thought: While I’ve never heard God’s audible voice, I do feel Him speaking to me. The best way I’ve found to start hearing the Lord’s whispers in my heart is by getting into His word and letting His word get into me. The more Scripture I memorize the more clearly I hear Him. Ask God to waken you in the morning so you can read the Bible first thing… before checking voicemail, email, and facebook… check in with God’s lifegiving truths.

Activity: Commit this week to not open your computer or turn on your cell phone before you’ve spent a few minutes reading the Bible, praying, and asking God to help you hear Him.

With the exception of my phone alarm- I will do this for the coming week. I am screening for God.

Day 1: Prayer: Jesus I want to see you.

Assignment from Lysa TerKeurst:

“Blessed are the pure in heart, they will see God.” (Matthew 5:8)

Thought: Remember a pure heart doesn’t mean a perfect person. If your pure intention is to see God, you will. While I can’t see the Lord’s physical form, I can see evidence of His activity all around me.

Activity: Ask God to open your eyes to the many things in your life that speak to His presence. Look for and record evidence of God around you. Today, start a thankful journal listing the many things around you for which you are thankful. It’s amazing, the more we recognize even the smallest things as gifts from God, the more we start to realize how present He is in our lives.

So my blessings and gifts from God... In no real order

The rain and cool days of fall after such a very hot summer (and did I mention my central air does not work?) Hot coffee and Halls for the tickle in my throat. My sweet son, who is growing up so very fast and yet still needs me. Our loving cat, my too far away daughter, the home I love (even if it needs a good vacuum...

Good friends, amazing collegues, work that is inspiring even when it breaks my heart... My sweet amazing baby sister, my family... kindness, laughter... the color in my life. Good books, hot tea, Zumba...

He is all around me.

Week in Review

Friday, instead of going to the Hafla in Centerville Ohio, I dealt with my daughter’s bad car karma. Which means that I (with a great assist from Rick) jumped the Land Rover stranded on Route 4 (Mommy, you need a new battery…the guy told me). And can I say it started RIGHT up with NO hesitation. Made me wish I had tried jumping it myself before calling for back-up… cause I do not know how to change a battery.

Then it was off to the Monte (Mom, it is leaking gas). We brought a 5 gallon gas can and put in the gas. No leak. Best I can figure is she didn’t put the nozzle in all the way. God help me. At least the cars are all back at the house.

Saturday, I went to Zumba. Three people including the instructor, but such a good workout. LOVE Zumba.

Sunday was, as it has been for the ten years since, a sad day to reflect. Mass started with America the Beautiful, the goodbye breakfast at IHOP turned into a goodbye lunch at Panera when Liz was too tired to get up, and the Land Rover was dead again. I really hate that car.

Monday Liz was driven to the airport by her friend Regan. She flew to New York to start her life there. I did my first Body Sculpting class. I am not sure which hurt more.

Tuesday I weighed in and found out I am again in second place in this round of the Biggest Loser at work, and have in total lost over 23 pound since January. I did a test drive in a new civic (a girl can dream) and did my Cardio Dance Class cause Salsa was cancelled (cue sad face!). Then I went home and found out the Monte won’t start. Again.

Wednesday was belly-dancing and I was meant to be going back for a second round of Body Sculpting. Best laid plans. I stopped home for the hour layover to find my son, not feeling well and in serious need of snuggle time. As I snuggled him I opened the pile of neglected mail and found the pay- off letter on the Land Rover. What a good feeling!

Thursday after work, I filled up the Monte and it came back to life. My friends will test it out and may purchase it…Hooray. One less thing to worry about. And John and Ellen have a friend who is interested in some of my old furniture.

And today is Friday. The first night of skirt dancing. The first night of the weekend. I am a little sad they cancelled my line dancing class, but what can you do?

Ten years later...

On September 11, 2001, I lived in the Bronx with my husband and daughter, and was expecting my son. I worked in a special needs preschool near home and as a native New Yorker, I was quite at home in New York City.

My husband and my friend Paul Edson had left very early that day, heading north to Cooperstown and the baseball hall of fame. Liz was at St. Frances and would go to mass that morning.

It was primary day, so I voted before going to work.

What a beautiful day!

I had worked hard to collect and update contact information for parents and emergency contacts. I was sitting with a young man who's son was new to our school when we heard something was wrong... Manhatten shut down...One of the towers on fire... The Queens bus couldn't get over the bridge- it was closed...And Tracy, newly pregnant, got a call from Brent, her husband. The building was hit by a plane. They were evacuating... It was the last time they ever spoke.

I passed out my cards to all the teachers so they could start evacuating the children, and told the principal that I would get my daughter and return, to wait for all the children to be picked up. I knew with bridges closed it could be a long day, and that some parents just might not come home...

I went on local streets as all the highway entrances were blocked by patrol cars. And waited at the school till the kids came back from Mass. In looking back it was a blessing. Because I didn't see it live. I didn't see them fall...

I actually heard about the towers collapsing in the car after picking up Liz. And about the Pentagon... It wasn't until we were waiting at 5:30 with our last five students that I saw the footage that is now so familiar. I felt the vomit rise in my throat. As if I had been struck. It still feels like that.

Like everyone else, I prayed there were pockets, with survivors trapped. I prayed they were wrong about the number of missing firemen. And I will NEVER forget watching the mayor, live, in his dust covered suit, saying the losses of the day would be more than we could bear...

CNN unscrambled their cable feed, as all the local channels went black when the tower with all the antennas collapsed. I watched it non-stop. And saw the Palestinians cheer at the collapse of the towers...My blood boiled as my heart ached...

I wanted to go and dig for survivors. I was a nurse. I could help.

But I was a mother who's daughter was terrified. And I was a pregnant woman. I had no place on the pile.

The city that never sleeps shut down- schools were closed on September 12. There were no plays, no games, just the sound of military choppers and the air force jets on patrol. Deafening silence. And the smell of the burning pile 14 miles away would come to us as the wind shifted. And I watched CNN, still praying for miracles. And I cried. Like the rest of the world.

Time stood still. Over 300 firemen dead, 14 ESU cops dead, nearly 3000 dead.

Osama Bin Laden. HATRED raged in me. And overwhelming grief and pain and sadness.

Michael Lynch was missing. Dennis Mulligan was missing... The list of neighborhood people grew... The people I knew... Jay, Thomas, John, Ray...

But my brother in law Tommy was safe. And Billy B was safe. Pat and Colleen and Mike were safe... Dennis- Roe's fireman husband was safe...

And in time we went back to work and school. The rescue effort became a recovery effort. The funerals started. In October, Ray on Friday, Dennis on Saturday... Hundreds of firefighters...

Time passed.

And life happened. My baby was going to be a boy, my granny died, I got a rocking chair at my shower.

Michael's funeral was on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. His Uncle, Cardinal McCarrick, who had confirmed all of us, said the mass...

We had flags everywhere. We were a country, a world united...

Then the US invaded Afganistan, where the Soviets fought for years before giving up...

On March 21st 2002 they found Michael's remains with those of the woman he shielded with his coat.

On April 25th 2002 they had Jay's funeral at Saint Patrick's Cathedral. God how I miss that crazy brave boy.

Time passed, less slowly...

And where are we now....

Sill in Afganistan, and Iraq too.

And it seems the Arab world is at war from within- no idea how that will turn out...

Bin Laden is dead.

Tracy had a girl and started a foundation in Brent's memory: http://www.woodallkids.org/

All the Lynch family help with Michael's foundation:
http://www.mlynch.org/

And my home is in Ohio now. My son is in 4th grade, my daughter graduated high school. We are far away from the city that is so much a part of who I still am. My past, my comfort, my family.

And I will never forget...

An Office with a Door

Today it became official. I have my own door. AND nobody lives in my office with me.

This is a really big deal here. NOBODY gets a private office. Except doctors and really senior executives.

And up till now, I worked in a cubicle.

Five years in a cubicle.

For the first three years I lived outside the office of Dr. Speakerphone, so named because he loved to A) leave his office door opened, and B) use speaker phone so he could work and not have to cradle the phone.

Did I mention he had a high octane voice that often filled our area? (And for me to say someone speaks loud…well, I am just saying…)

When we moved, (did I mention the hospital relocates divisions pretty regularly?) I got a more private cubicle with high walls that did not open onto the hallway. I had a resident behind me a couple of hours a day, but my alcove was quiet and removed. I was quite happy there.

I mean, I am the girl who worked on a mobile unit for 4 years. And it listed to curbside. And I lived in Guatemala…hard core, I am telling you.

There was the brief period in Yonkers where I had a private office large enough for a small table and yes, it did have a private bathroom AND a window…

God- that was pretty cushy, come to think of it…

But I digress…

I love my door- even though I mostly leave it open. I love my door even though I miss the girls being right behind me.

I love my new space and will, for as long as it takes to move me again…

Because this office is only mine temporary. Till we get our next faculty member.

But I am being so spoiled now.

Even without getting a window… Now a window would really be something... a girl can dream…

Predator

You are a stranger, from on-line or in an alley. You punish with your blade, a gun, a pipe, your hands. Forced to the cold ground, a hidden place, you injure her physically and emotionally for your pleasure.

You kill her soul, leaving her body a shell, her sweet heart broken in pieces too small to mend. She didn’t die… but in many ways is dead already.

But when you masquerade as a friend. Worse still.

You lurk in the shadows of her life. Bide your time. Waiting to betray. Waiting for a time when her guard is down. When she trusts you like family and lets you in her home. Or when she is vulnerable, and lies heartbroken and upset. Or when having fun means too much and inebriation presents your opportunity. When she does not or cannot say yes, you take.

Because you can.

Because you have the power.

And you make it her fault. She asked for it. Look at the clothes she wears. Look at how she behaves. She deserved it because she drank. She deserved it because she paints her face in rich colors. She flirted. She was high… You tell her others will be on your side. …A million stories to justify the crime you committed against her. You isolate her in her pain

LIAR!

I see you.

I know you… And I hate what you do.

I HATE YOU!

How you teach them to blame themselves. To doubt themselves. To protect you with their silence.

But I know the truth. You are weak so you can’t fight fair. You are a shadow of a person.

Pure Evil!

You will fail. You will help me find you. Because we will fight back in united voices. What you do is not right. What you do is not fair. What you do is a crime. Against them. Against all of us.

You will be punished.

I am Justice. And I will be served!

From A Clear Blue Sky by Timothy Knatchbull

On August 27, 1979, a bomb of the IRA exploded on a boat off the coast of Mullaghmore, Co Sligo.

Killed that day were:
Lord Louis Mountbatten, 79, great grandson of Queen Victoria.
Nicholas Knatchbull, 14, Timothy's twin brother.
Paul Maxwell, 15, a boy from Enniskillin who was hired to look after the boat.

Lady Doreen Brabourne, 83, died the day after the attack from her injuries.

Timothy Knatchbull survived, along with his parents and the world was outraged. Timothy wrote about the bombing decades later, returning to the place where he and his brother were lost to each other.

An amazing letter that he received from the Irish coronor in Sligo is included in his account. Dr. Desmond Moran urged him, even in those early days, to be the example to the civilized community and future generations.

On leaving Ireland when he was medically stable, Timothy vowed to return to Ireland. What a horrifying thought for his poor parents!

But over the decades, the world changed. Ireland changed. And Timothy did go back. He found what he was missing. He healed.

Jennifer Levin

Twenty five years ago, on August 26, 1986, 18-year-old Jennifer Levin was killed by Robert Chambers after they left their local bar Dorrian's Red Hand, located at 300 East 84th Street.

Levin's strangled, half-naked corpse, covered in bruises, bite marks, and cuts, was found by a cyclist just after 6am, lying beneath an elm tree on a grassy knoll near Fifth Avenue and 83rd Street, behind the Met. Chambers watched the emergency crew response while sitting on a wall nearby.

He, assisted by his attorney, smeared Jennifer’s name and reputation. She like it rough…she kept a sex diary… awful, cruel and wrong on so many levels…like killing her wasn’t enough. He tortured her family with his lies and drama…

I remember her dying- the horrible things they said… and thinking I was not so different than her… I was 19, hung out at the bars of the Irish West side in the Bronx, how my cousin and our friends stayed after closing, and though we were underage, we were served…

That changed after Jennifer, for a little while. We were more careful… less care-free. And there was a new rule- If we went out together, we went home together- it did not matter who the guy was… throughout college it was my rule.

It still is…

By the time the “Preppy Murder” went to trial in 1988, doubts about Jennifer and her lifestyle had been everywhere.

The jury was deadlocked for nine days and so a plea bargain was struck. Robert Chambers pleaded guilty to manslaughter in the first degree (a Class B felony), and to one count of burglary (a Class C felony) for his thefts in 1986. He was sentenced to serve 5 to 15 years, with the sentence for burglary being served concurrently. So the scumbag got away with murder…

He served the whole 15 years because of the drugs and other prison infractions…

Chambers was released from Auburn Prison on February 14, 2003.

He was unchanged… Still a scumbag…

On October 22, 2007 Chambers was arrested again, this time in his girlfriend’s apartment, and charged with three counts of selling drugs in the first degree, three counts of selling drugs in the second degree and one count of resisting arrest.

On August 11, 2008, the Manhattan DA's office announced that Chambers had pleaded guilty to selling drugs. On September 2, 2008, he was sentenced to 19 years on the drug charge.

Could not have happened to a better person.

Rest in Peace, Jennifer Levin.

No room at 10 year anniversary...

So I am totally pissed off...

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/16/new.york.911.memorial/index.html

It should be noted- nobody invited FDNY, EMS and NYPD first responders on 9-11-2001. Yet they did all they could, many making the ultimate sacrifice, to help evacuate the towers.

I am angry... sad... hurt...

For the surviving responders to not have a place is just wrong.

I just have no words...

The summer is ending...

So since I totally bombed the spending fast in August, I have decided to restart on September 1st...I guess it is just like smoking. You think you can quit any time and find out, yeah, not so much... A shout out to my dear cousin Margie who is in the process of quitting cancer sticks...I am so proud of her.

Technically, my summer ended today, as my son started school this morning. But my pool is still open and dance classes have another week in summer session B, so I am holding onnto summer with both hands.

I am lining up what classes to take this fall, still belly dancing twice a week and salsa once a week and Zumba, certainly... But to shake things up, I am considering adding Body sculpting before Zumba on Saturdays and Spinning twice a week... I have until tomorrow to decide.

I have had my annual physical and was taken off 2 BP meds, so that was big news. Only one to go.

I found out that the Catholic Mass is changing, come Advent... Just when you get the whole Mass down, they want to have it be an exact translation...from Latin... I see stormy weather ahead for the part time Catholics of the world.

It is a time of transition right now. And while change can be good in the end, sometimes it is challenge getting there. So for those amoung you who pray, I ask for a prayer of peace and acceptance. Because even when God raises his voice, I can be stubborn and tune out the message.

And for those who felt the earth shake today- I am glad it was a talking point, not a tragedy.

Changes

" Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you until we meet again!”
Unknown

Sometimes doing what is morally just is heartbreaking. Sometimes walking away is the only way. Sometimes being a good person leaves you crying, but you do what is right anyway. You walk away and try hard not to look back.

I am reminded of Judy Garland singing, "And you smile even though your heart is breaking...even though your soul is aching..."

Sometimes being friends that hang out just isn't possible. And sometimes being friends means walking away and wishing each other well.

I miss you already.

Spinning

So I went to a Spinning class... Overweight and SO out of shape, dance classes aside... It sort of happened by accident.

The spinning class last Saturday started late... and Zumba was cancelled when the sub didn't show, so we all ended up with the Spinning instructor in the parking lot and got to chatting.

She said we could do it...She said we should try it...she convinced us it was worth a shot...

So after belly-dancing and dinner at my house, Lindsey and I went to Spinning.

Which is riding a stationary bike to the 10th power... and to GREAT music...

I had an awesome workout... I felt great...

And two days later, my bum is still sore.

Class is at 8:15 tonight and I can't wait.

Failing to plan...

I have spent $14 dollars in two days on items I did not include on my list...

$10 on Tuesday to Liz- she wanted to go to the movies and while I have a free pass from my last movie, I could not find it... And forgot the spending fast until after I gave the money to her... oops...

Then today I forgot my lunch... And I need to eat my meals- so says my RD, who I spent an hour with yesterday...

I guess there will be days like these.

Bah humbug!

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

God has a way of raising his voice when I am sad. When I feel all broken in pieces. When I am so lonely and my soul aches.

Or maybe I am just more aware of His efforts when I am so needy.

So, as hard as it is for me to believe, it has been six months since I was part of a "we". I am not looking for someone to take over the other half of my "we" at present, but I do still miss the feeling of it...the safety... the love... the support...

But God is with me...holding my hand... wiping away those tears that still cascade on the difficult days...

I have not moved on, but I have moved forward.

I am dieting, dancing, and going to Mass- building on my relationship with God. I am making an effort to do a better job guiding my teenager, instead of always critizing... I am making an effort to live up to my resolution of decluttering my home...

Progress... one little step at a time.

I have come a long way since February...but I feel I still have a really long way to go...

And now a spending fast...focused on needs instead of the wants we always seem so focused on...

Every Journey begins with a first step...

Day two...

Obviously I will not track everyday, but to give folks an idea of money spent, or not spent, as the case may be, I will select days and share the expenses... So I bought 8.24 gallons of gas, and paid $4 for parking today...

$34 dollars...

Seems like a lot for a day... Hopefully it is a lot for one day... If not, I am in trouble...

In other news, I had a business dinner last night, missing belly-dancing and going WAY over my calories for the day, and had a business lunch today... I might be able to stay on my calorie count if I don't eat again till Thursday, but who am I kidding? I really feel like I have taken in more calories in the last two days than I have had over the last week...not good... Starting over tomorrow...

Spending Fast Day 1

Okay- doesn't hurt yet. I packed my breakfast and lunch today- no worries.

I have a business dinner tonight, so I am missing belly-dancing... which means the treadmill tonight, but what can you do?

Did grocery shopping last night- saved $19 dollars using coupons on stuff I buy all the time- How happy am I?

I advised my daughter about the spending freeze- needless to say, she does not LOVE the idea... But I filled up her gas tank this weekend and took her out to lunch- a last big splurge befor the fast... Our own fat Tuesday...

Oh and to my health and fitness pals- I ordered the lime chicken at Applebee's and to my absolute HORROR, discovered later that it is OVER 1100 calories!! And it is a Weight Watcher's choice...

So not happy... but what is done is done...

Weight Loss Calculator

MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

So my future weight loss will be measured here- No pressure, just keeping it real...If you want to support me, be my friend on "My Fitness Pal" and help me along the way...

Spending Fast...

Anna Newell Jones, of AndThenSheSaved.com went on a spending fast for a year and got out of debt…she is my hero!

I set a goal at the beginning of the year to be debt free as soon as possible. And then the disasters began- broken appliances, fractured sewer line, pay decreases, and car issues… Things were so bad, I raided the money you are not supposed to touch, EVER!!!

So to get back on track, and have a better idea of the priorities, I am going to try a spending fast… From August 1st 2011 to February 1st 2012. I have taken Anna’s list and made the changes that reflect the differences in our lifestyles…

This is my draft- and please let me know with your comments if I am missing something obvious…

Items I need to spend money on:
Mortgage/Home Insurance/Escrow: Not optional!

Urgent Home repairs… but hopefully I am past that stage… Please God...

Utilities (keeping lights and water off as much as possible; keeping the thermostat at 65 and wearing a sweater when the cold comes)

Basic Cell phone service- I will need to start paying my own way come the end of October. Ouch!

Internet/TV/Phone- because as much as I need to pay my debt, I need 911 ability when the power is out, internet for working from home, and TV for my kids so the next six months does not kill them

Food (store bought and only when I run out of stuff in cupboards and freezers)

School fees and Latchkey (like death and taxes- unavoidable!)

Allowance for John- cause he works so hard

Fairfield Community Center Pass for me- the exercise is essential to my health plan

Swing Class- again invoking the exercise clause, though I may start going every other week.

Doctor Dentist and Medication co-pays- cause healthy is happy

Car payment and Car insurance- with any luck, the Land Rover Payoff will happen prior to the end of my 6 month fast

Birthday and Christmas gifts for my children and our family Kris Kringle- this is a need for the holiday spirit, cause Christmas is still really hard for me.

Gas for commuting, oil changes, and other car maintainance stuff

Life insurance

Charitable giving- I have routine donations I make, but will not be making any additional donations till the end of the fast...

Debt repayment and emergency fund...


What I'm NOT spending money on:
Books… painful even to list…

Cards and Gifts - truth be told, I probably have enough cards in the house to last a year

Clothes/Coats/and any other thing worn on the body.

Trinkets…AKA crap...There is a great deal of stuff that fits in this category...

New make-up, hair stuff- bands, elastics etc… This may belong with trinkets...AKA crap...

Eating out- no McDonalds, IHOP, Applebees… the list goes on but you get the idea...

Movies/DVDs… not even Harry Potter on DVD…. Already hurts…

Shoes…which usually is not a big deal for me…

Bed linens/Towels/Houseware items…after my stint at Macy’s, not really a huge issue…

Decorative house stuff- including paint and carpet for right now…

Amazon.com… so expect their stock to PLUMMET during these 6 months

Cafeteria food… I spend a BOATLOAD of money in the cafeteria…

Poker…KILLING ME…

So did I miss anything on either list? As my friends, I encourage you to be BRUTALLY honest… And I need your input by next Monday because the fast will be starting August 1st...

Ode to Harry Potter

I am sure a million people will be lining up to see the final movie. I bought my tickets on July 5, just to be on the safe side. I will be in my seat at 12:05am when this final part of the journey begins.

So how did I fall for Harry Potter? It all started at BJ’s in Cortlandt Manor. They had the first three books in hardcover, and they were under $10 each. I had heard all the buzz, was in need of a new book and figured I would see what everyone else had already discovered.

I was hooked from the first chapter. Fast moving and very well written, I was through the three volumes in rapid time, and left to wait for the fourth volume and the movies which were in the pipeline.

Harry Potter book releases became an event. I would re-read the previous books so the story was fresh in my mind when the next volume arrived. Pre-ordered from Amazon, I would have the book in my hands by 10am and would read undisturbed till the last page. Heaven!

Each movie was well done, though as a huge fan of the books, I knew the pieces that were missing. I remember taking my very young son to see Goblet of Fire and he was terrified of the dragons. As he has gotten older, it has become his favorite of the group.

I was in Ohio for Order of the Phoenix. My only interruption was a conference call for a patient (yeah it was Saturday, but it was important) The mom asked, when we finished discussing her child, what page I had gotten to…I was nearly to 300 already…

But I was getting impatient waiting for the mail to arrive. I became the person who went shopping at midnight to pick up The Half Blood Prince.

When Snape did what he did, I sobbed. I felt betrayed. I always thought he would ultimately be the good guy Dumbledore said he was. The worst part of my grief? I could tell no one. I was the only one in my circle that had already finished the book. Because of course, it had only been released 14 hours earlier…

Waiting for The Deadly Hallows was bittersweet. The journey was ending. And while the book was very well done, with an Epilogue to please the fans, I was sad that the story ended.

And now, with the final movie out this Friday, the journey will be complete. This story of heros, of love, friendship and bravery will be complete. JK Rowlings has given the world a great gift. I will always be grateful.

And the "Biggest Loser" is....

It is now official:

>>> Joe G___ 7/14/2011 11:03 AM >>>

Collectively, 77 pounds were lost!! That is 1.96%!!

The starting weight was 3,938.60.
The ending weight was 3,861.60.

On average, each person lost 4.05 pounds.

And the "Losers" are......

Third:
S___ B___ (lost 4.42%)
(Prize - $35)

Second:
Geri Kelly (lost 5.80%) THAT IS ME!!!
(Prize - $75)

THE BIGGEST LOSER:
G___ H___(lost 10.76%)
(Prize - $230)


Round THREE starts Monday morning! We have 8 people who have confirmed so far!! The more people participating, the higher the prizes!! What could you do with a few hundred dollars????

At least $10 MUST be paid at the initial weigh-in.
Most people have commented that it was a lot easier paying the $20 up front....but it is your call.

Congratulations, not just to the losers, but to everyone who participated!

- Joe

So yes, I am paid into the next round, my second, and can't wait...

And did I mention I lost over 16lbs... How happy am I... Between that and Harry 12 hours from now, I can hardly contain myself...

Laughing out loud...

After Zumba Saturday morning, the Hohweiler girls came to spend the day- swimming and dinner at Applebee’s with Harry Potter on the small screen as a finale. We watched the first half of the Deadly Hallows again, to be ready for Thursday night/Friday morning. We all cried again over poor little Dobby. I know, I am a big baby.

After they headed home, I watched Kyle Busch win in Kentucky, while Jimmie came in 3rd. Apparently, I had the best seat in the house- no 5 hour traffic jam- my friends only got seated in time to see the last 75 laps. Then there were folks being turned away from the speedway even with tickets. No Parking…Can you say PISSED? I am amazed there wasn’t a riot.

Having been to Bristol- all I can say is the excuses given don’t wash. And they have lost some loyal fans, from the looks of the social media world. Denny Hamlin was funny though… “Good news bad news/ bad news is I’m prolly not gonna make the drivers meeting in 3 hrs because I’m in this traffic with everyone else … Good news, I’m starting in the back anyway.”

It is good to keep your sense of humor…

Speaking of sense of humor… My garbage disposal stopped working. I know, how many appliances does that make this year? I refuse to count anymore…

So since the dishwasher, which is on the same plug, is still working, I don’t think the power source is the problem.

Emphasis on THINK.

Having already consulted the two electrical geniuses I know, I am fairly certain I need a new unit.

So, even though I know he is on vacation (either New Mexico or Glacier Park), I left a message for Tony (my own version of Mike Holmes) to pencil me in when he gets back from wherever…

As a New Yorker, I can tell you, living with no garbage disposal is not a hardship to me- did without one my whole life till I moved here five years ago, and I am sure I could live out the rest of my days without one and do quite nicely.

However, my dishwasher is somehow interconnected and so, whatever the problem is, I am having dishwasher back-up in my sink. Thank God I have a REALLY deep kitchen sink. Yeah, Tony picked it out.

I was telling the girls that this year has been so bad, when Tony answers my calls, his first words are, “Girl, what’s broken now?”

He really needs a vacation.

And I am keeping my sense of humor…

Summer Update

Wow- July 8, 2011- Summer is really moving now… and so am I…

I got in a poker game, hosted two graduation parties, and have danced the nights away.

And I am learning every day. And not just the mandatory 24 hours of CEUs I did to renew my RN license, just saying.

In my “Made to Crave” journey, my buddy Eileen and I have shared our triumphs and our pitfalls…we are honest and open about the stress and challenges, keeping it real and keeping one another on track.

“The Biggest Loser” round ends next Monday with our final weigh-in. I am hoping to remain in the top three… I am so grateful to my office buddies, Karen, Donna, Carol and Kathleen, who cheer me on and help me stay on track. And I want to publicly thank Joe, the man behind the challenge, who does not judge and is always kind. Oh, and I am signing up for the next round that starts the first week of August.

I LOVE Zumba- it makes me sweat and makes my lungs burn- an amazing Saturday morning wake up call.

Salsa- two hours on Tuesday evening- is an all-over work-out and afterwards I ache…in a good way. What a wonderful way to move!

Swing is always a good time, I like the people and the classes. I just regret it is so far away…which means getting there when the weather is poor is not going to happen.

Belly-dancing is still hard- I feel totally uncoordinated and odd- hopefully I will improve in Session B.

Tai Chi is great relaxing motion. But I am considering switching to a second belly-dancing class in the same time slot… Still considering the options.

Oh- and Harry Potter comes out next week…Can I tell you how EXCITED I am…But more on that later.

Still working my way through The Fitting Room. It is a more difficult read than I thought it would be. Make that challenging. I am working through each chapter, and the issues brought to the surface... Work for sure.

So what have you been up to?

Fire

In July of 1977, we had a house fire. Ten at the time, I was just finished with 4th grade, and a girl in my grade, Helen, had a fire in her house that left her badly burned. She had not yet returned to school. Her sister, who was Ellen’s age, died in the fire because she hid under her bed. I didn’t sleep deeply in the months after Helen’s fire. I believe that is why I woke up the night our fire began.

I awoke to find a thin grey smoke filling the upper quarter of my bedroom at the top of the stairs. I went downstairs and found Mom asleep on the couch, and that she had fallen asleep with a cigarette burning, which had scorched the couch cushion. I woke mom up, and we moved the cushion against the wall by the top of the basement stairs, and Mom doused it with some water and asked me to turn on the fan in the kitchen window. Dad (who believes what he believes) had the fan pulling air out of the kitchen, rather than blowing in, because he felt that circulating the air was more cooling. In this case, it acted as an exhaust fan, and started to move the smoke out of the house.

Mom went back to sleep, on the other couch, and I went upstairs and back to bed.

I awoke again with a start, and now my room was filled to just above my bed with thick black smoke. Out the window, reflected in the siding of the neighbor’s house, I saw the huge orange flames in the room just below me. Even with the light on, it was like night. I moved to the side of Ellen’s bed, and tried to shake her awake. I was practically lifting her from the mattress and dropping her, I was so forceful. She did not wake up, so I ran to my father’s bedside and started to shake him and call to him that he had to wake up- he mumbled that what ever I wanted could wait till morning, and I screamed that this couldn’t wait till morning. And then he was awake enough to see we were in danger, told me to stay where I was, and raced out and down the stairs.

Now I could hear Ellen crying. After a short time, Dad was back, and scooped up Eddie, blankets and all, and brought him downstairs. He came back and took me to the top of the stairs and instructed me to go down the stairs and straight outside, to take a breath and to not stop, not look back, just go straight outside.

The smoke was hot and my lungs were burning with my breath held. It was disorienting to be unable to see anything through the smoke, and it was almost like the smoke was crushing in on me. Half-way down the stairs, I inhaled and felt myself choking on the foul filthy poisons filling the stairwell. I did not stop, and a moment later I was outside and able to breath. I stood in my pink baby-doll PJs by Eddie at the curbside and waited for the others.

Dad had Dee walk down, and carried out Ellen, and then went back inside to put out the fire. We still had not seen Mom.

The Hoerings were outside with us, and Linda went with Dee to pull the fire alarm. Mom emerged and we saw Dad as he stuck his head out the upstairs window, that he left open to let the smoke out. He was covered in soot. We all were. The firemen arrived, no lights, no siren, likely due to the high volume of false alarms at our box. They went in, Dad came out, got some O2, and declined going to the ER.

We children were all put into beds in the Hoering house and I fell into an exhausted sleep with no dreams.

When I woke up the next day, I was embarrassed to be in my baby dolls and so exposed, and slipped downstairs and out the backdoor, and slid into the kitchen of our house. The burnt smell was bad, but the blackened walls were awful. All the clothes in our closets smelled of smoke. The wall next to where the cushion burned was chopped open. The clean up was already underway.

Walls were washed, the laundry, bedding and curtains were cleaned, toys were cleaned or thrown away. Ellen’s beautiful doll in the green Spanish dress was one of the casualties. There was just no way to clean the delicate fabric.

After washing walls came painting them. Every room in the house was painted over the next four days. Dad replaced the wall that had been opened with axes by the firemen. The pressure was on… We were having Dad’s family over on the weekend and no sign of the fire could be left, or questions would be asked. So we washed and cleaned, from Tuesday to Saturday- and nobody knew. It was never discussed, it was like it never happened… but fire was something I now was truly afraid of- because I knew its power.

A Chocolate Bar

So I was losing weight, exercising, feeling better… getting the spiritual life into better order...

And then...

I got some game changing news on Friday…and ATE all weekend through my grief. Yup I am an emotional eater.

Today, at my weigh in, I had gone in ENTIRELY the wrong direction… and it doesn’t matter that this is when I retain water in any given month, that I had a valid excuse for my overindulgence excursion, and so on…

The day got worse as I learned of three of my little ones from work passing away… and reading about another boy, slowly being blinded by this wicked disease, EB…

I bought a Snickers bar, intent on soothing my crushed spirit that grieved for these poor families who have truly suffered loss…

Karen told me I didn’t need it, but I wouldn’t listen. The apple I ate did not fill the void. But on my way back from the candy machine, I stopped at Donna’s desk, and she repeated Karen’s message.

I left the Snicker bar with her. Not sure if I was going to go back to her in the afternoon to claim it, but right in that moment, I did not crave it.

I did not need it.

The loving support of my two dear friends was enough to get me past the craving…

I did not want it.

I can hardly recognize the me I was at that moment. Hurt, unhappy, and NOT solving the problem with food.

Victory!

1983

In 1983, I was sixteen and spending a long summer in Ireland on my Granny’s farm between Clones and Newbliss in Monaghan. I wore my hair in pigtails, spent a lot of time in my favorite old flannel shirt and loose fitting jeans, feeding calves and helping where I could. I soaked up the world that surrounded me.

My Granny baking bread in her wood burning stove, my uncles at work in the milking parlor, butter that was so rich it seemed a distant cousin to the butter to which I was accustomed, fresh apple cake made with the harvest from the apple trees in the yard, the rolling hills, all of it filled my consciousness.

I missed my friends and life back home…but only a little. I wrote volumes, trying to explain the every day events that were so foreign. The beautiful blue of a cow’s eyes… killing the chicken that became dinner and plucking the feathers after dipping it in scaling hot water, the poor crippled calf that I fed by hand, the roughness of his tongue as he suckled my fingers while learning to drink from a bucket… and the laugh of being sprayed with the milk when he snorted…

Traveling to the North, the Troubles on display in the form of British border guards armed to the teeth and pillboxes embedded in the hillside. Having to leave someone in the car so it couldn’t be blown up, checkpoints anywhere- everywhere. Machine guns set in open car windows, questions to answer… it is harder than you think…

Silage time, tractors and men working, dinner in shifts, women packing the kitchen and cooking all day, picking gooseberries and black currents by Tommy’s house in the back field, making jam… Boiling the berries and making jam…

The accidental boyfriend…didn’t see that coming, “Will I see you again?”, as if I would understand, Anne Marie’s surprise and my aunts laughing till tears came. Still funny almost 30 years later. How can it be so long ago when I remember it like yesterday?

Why all the memories now? The friend request on Facebook from the accidental boyfriend brought it all back. Yes, I accepted.

Tai Chi and Me

Confession Time.

I think Tai Chi is weird. No offense to those who are really into it, but really- WAY out of my comfort zone…

I don’t mind the stretching and the movements, but really- my chi will leave out of my feet is I am bare-foot?

That is a little too “New Age” for me.

And feeling my “inner chi”? In the deep of my abdomen… To find my balance…Good Grief!

I will keep going…I need the exercise. But I am just not buying into all the stuff that comes with it.

The Feast!

Okay, in New York we call the church carnivals with all the food and rides and games of chance The (fill in church name here) feast... Because it is the feast day of whichever Saint the Church is named after. And I think it is a Catholic Church thing.

Here, they are called Festivals...festive atmosphere...I get it.

They last for three days- Friday thru Sunday, and the goals are to have a great time and spend money, not necessarily in that order.

I attended the St Gabriel's feast over the weekend and had a great time, and even stayed with the healthier choices- grilled corn instead of the cheezeburger and fries. I listened to the band, lost a bit of money at the blackjack table, and actually ran into someone I know- this rarely happens to me in Ohio, so it was a pleasent surprise.

I met some friends, was introduced to their friends, and before I knew it the festival was over, it was 11:30pm and the girls I was driving home were STARVING.

Steak and Shake it was...

So by the time we ate, I dropped the girls home and drove home myself, it was 1:30am Sunday morning.

8am Mass came early, let me tell you...

Can't wait till the next Feast...Festival...

Double-dipping real estate

According to Zillow.com, my house is now valued at $96,400 (with a range of $79,000 to $122,000). The fact that I still owe over $113,000 on it makes me a little sick to my stomach. And that does not include the $25,000 I have spent in renovations and improvements over the last 5 years.

This week, I read about the housing market and the double dip thing, and cringed. Housing prices could drop another 25% before we reach bottom. Which means (according to Zillow) I could be looking at a value of $72,300 (with a range of $59,250- $91,500) by the time the market bottoms out. Worst case scenario, my house will be worth $59,000 and I will be underwater by over $53,000.

I have no idea how long the real estate market will take to recover, or when my house will ever have equity. Many folks in my situation would consider a strategic foreclosure, and some have urged me to walk away from my very underwater homestead.

I won’t even consider it.

I borrowed the money; I will pay it back, because it is the right thing to do. But that isn’t the whole story.

You see, I love my house. I never thought I would own my own home, and I love it. I love my pool, I love my brand new bathroom, I love my pretty kitchen. I love my piece of the American dream.

I also didn’t buy this place as a short term investment. I bought it as my forever home. My nomad days of 25 addresses in 10 years are a thing of the past. So unless something happens to drastically change my situation, I am staying put, making improvements and loving my home.

And staying off Zillow…for my sanity…

Vision

On June 15, 2011, Stephanie Bryant, cofounder of (in)courage.me wrote about vision:

According to George Barna, vision is a “clear mental picture of a preferable future imparted by God to His servants based on an accurate understanding of God, self & circumstance.”

But the secret to having vision for your life? To cling to the Father, to know His mind and heart for you. To know who you are in Christ. And to be aware of your surroundings and landscape that you’ve been planted in.

A clear mental picture of where I want to be in the future…

Know who I am in Christ…

I hesitate- I have not had enough coffee for such a profound project…

When I was younger, I had a huge vision. A plan I had devised when I was in 8th grade that took me to my twenties. That vision got me through some very hard times. Focusing on the goals I set helped me move forward when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and eat chocolate.

In a class in Nursing School, they made us write our five year plan as part of a scholarship application. It was to include personal as well as professional goals. I wrote about wanting my private pilot’s license, passing the RN exam, reading War and Peace, the Bible and Gone with the Wind and serving as a Peace Corps volunteer in a hospital in Africa. An odd hodgepodge of things.

Surprising nobody more than myself, I was awarded the Rudin Scholarship. $1,000- A real fortune. I was carrying 17 credits at the time so I could graduate in June, and the award allowed me to work a little bit less, and was a huge blessing. (Over a decade later, I met the Rudins at an event and was able to thank them personally for this tremendous gift.)

Did I achieve all my goals? I passed the Nursing Boards, read the books while I served in the Peace Corps, but I served in Guatemala, not Africa. I bootlegged flying lessons from my friend Julius- an incredible gift- but my vision issues made a private license impossible.

So I need a new five year plan. I need to decide where my preferred future lies. I am going to need to work on this, ponder it, and figure out where I am going or I will never get there.

I will keep you posted.

Agape

Agape is a shift in perspective; a game changer that should help us feel settled deep down in our bones, believing in the One to whom we belong. Once we know this love we also feel inspired to wear His garments with joy instead of a sense of obligation

Just the reminder that I am beloved of God gave me the nurture and confidence to put the trifling wound in its proper place and get on with my day…

Our book club thoughts on Chapter 3 of The Fitting Room… but I am still struggling to have faith…

I feel unchosen.

Unchosen by my children. The reason I live, work and do. And I am unchosen.

Unchosen by the man I loved. Still love. Will always love.

Aching over the loss I have endured. Four months later he is in a new chapter of his life, and I am still drowning in grief.

So God, what do you want me to do with what happened? What am I supposed to learn from this crushing loss, this fractured heart? What is the take away message?

What part of Rick leaving is for my protection? Where is the opportunity, God, that you are providing with his absence?

Are You trying to build my maturity level? Because I don’t feel mature. I just feel old.

The Miracle Arrival

After the return of my insurance check due to a missing endorsement, I found out from my insurance agent that my mortgage holder, in addition to the check required:

1) the appraisal of damages
2) a notarized affidavit stating these damages were true and accurate

Without these items, they would not endorse the check.

Fine.

I found the appraisal. I got the affidavit of the damages notarized. Sent it to the appropriate department and waited a week.

And the check was sent back to me WITHOUT A SIGNATURE. They had put the Nationstar stamp on it. They even wrote in my name.

Then they mailed it back to me without a signature.

Seriously?!?!

All they had to do was sign it and they screwed it up?!?!

I was IRATE calling the department. Someone took the time to stamp the check and write my name then sent it back UNSIGNED! How do these people have a job when so many are out of work?

I could send it back overnight mail (at my own expense) and they would sign it and overnight the check to me.

I mailed the check back…and waited…over a week… Did I mention the office is one town south of mine? So I call to find out if they received the check- yes it was received- yes it was endorsed- and yes it was mailed back…regular mail…

I wrote to the CEO of Nationstar. They sell mortgages all the time. I begged him to sell mine. I miss Flagstar...I loved Flagstar...

I got the check in the mail yesterday- and it is endorsed. It can be deposited.

A Miracle!

Summer Update

So I have lost 12.2 pounds, even with backslides, bad days and an ice cream cake taking up residence in my freezer.

Talk about challenging. I am in Second Place in our Work version of The Biggest Loser and really want to win.

And I have completed my first full week of exercise classes. My legs hurt, my knees protest, but there is no stopping me now.

Tai Chi is a little bit more New Age than I am used to, but since I am trying new things and I worked up a sweat, I will stick with it.

Salsa- with, of all things, a male instructor, made my calves burn. I am really bad- can’t move my top with my bottom never mind the Cuban movement- but it was great moving to the music.

Belly-dancing is really difficult- my body just doesn’t move that way at all. And I don’t know that it ever will. But Lindsey, Heather and I made it to the end of the hour…I don’t want to talk about how sore I was after.

I stayed for the dance after my swing class in Covington. Bruce and I cut a rug and had a great time. I am starting to get the hang of it, finally. And with Bruce’s help, I may learn to blow glass this summer.

The big surprise was Zumba- WOW! It was the Cardiac Workout it promised to be but our instructor was so much fun! Lindsey and I had a great time. And at almost 1000 calories a workout, it was INTENSE. Can’t wait for next Saturday.

I have just finished Chapter 4 of Made to Crave and Chapter 5 of The Fitting Room.

What are you doing for yourself this week?