Advanced Directives

The nonprofit organization Engage With Grace is launching its third annual "blog rally" today to promote communication and critical thinking about end-of-life issues among family members and loved ones.

I cannot stress how important it is to talk about end of life decisions in advance. It can make such a huge difference to your family. I should know. Because my mother didn't.

My mother collapsed at work on December 20th, 2002. She was cardioverted twice before getting to the hospital. She was intubated and remained in a coma. I sat with her in the ER, was beside her when they moved her to CCU. I asked the nurse, a 20y veteran of Cardiac Care, and she advised me to prepare myself. I thank God for her honesty.

Mom was never alone. One of us was with her every moment round the clock. Nobody in our family is left alone.

On Sunday, the 22, my father signed to have Mom extubated. It was a decision all my siblings supported. It was excruciating. It broke my father's heart. He said it felt like he was killing her. My mother had no health care proxy, no living will. We all knew it was what she would want, but my father had to sign the order. As her husband, it was his responsibility.

Three days later, on Christmas night, with my sister Dee by her side, my mother died. The next few days were a blur- the wake, the funeral, the aftermath. Family flew in from Ireland, we chose to bury her with my father's parents, we had the funeral meal at Charlie's Inn. What needed to be done was done.

When things settled down, I talked about how important a Health Care Proxy is. Picking someone who will do what you want when you can't speak for yourself... And the best choice is not always your spouse, because of the emotional roller coaster they experience around you.

I talked about a living will- where you say what you do and don't want done if you can't make decisions anymore. Nobody needs to guess what you want or need. Nobody needs to agonize about making the wrong choice in their grief.

I have a Health Care Proxy. I have a living will. My proxy has copies of these vital documents. I know that nobody will be asked to make decisions on my behalf. I had the conversation with my loved ones.

It is not an easy conversation. But it is a necessary one. Give this gift to your family this holiday season.