Cancer

So it is never a good thing when a loved one has cancer. And it is never a good thing when the cancer has an unusual presentation. Hearing that chemo and surgery would not be done because they would not be curative is just heartbreaking.

CANCER.

And finally, to be told the radiation that is starting ASAP is unlikely to result in a cure... You listen, you hear the words the doctor is saying and write down the key points- 9 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week- but at some point you just stop processing the meaning of the words.

CANCER.

Planning is done, appointment are made and things get started before it even seems real. Seeds implanted, images taken, all the "stuff" is started- paperwork for FMLA, travel arrangments. Who will go and when.

CANCER.

You talk to friends and tell the family. You pray. For everything. Freedom from pain, a cure that is unlikely, a lack of side-effects, the absence of fear, peace with whatever the outcome is. Because it is not about you, your fear, your pain.

CANCER.

Please pray for our family. Thank you!

Love

"Love is not a habit, a commitment, or a debt. It isn't what romantic songs tell us it is - love simply is." ~ Paulo Coelho

 

Defining love is hard. Quantifying love is a challenge. Some folks don’t understand that when I love, it really is forever.

My family, first foremost and ALWAYS. They center my universe.

I still love my friend whose grave I first visited in 1981…

My old flame from college… still has a place in my heart. I still think of the fun and happiness he brought me and smile.

The boy who broke my heart in 1993… still I pray he becomes the man I know lies within him…

It is as though the potential to love grows each time I embrace a new person and say, “I love you”…

Or say goodbye to a loved one who is moving on… out of my life…out of my reach…

I embrace their chance at happiness… even in the absence of my own…

The child who is mine, but not really. Who has grown into a wonderful person with his parents and siblings, surrounded in love.

I maintain friendships that started in grammar school, high school, and college… I am often the one to call first… to touch base…

My love for all of them just is.

And as a result, I know that when I am in need, doubt, or huge trouble, I can pick up the phone and ask for help, advice, or a small dose of sanity.

Because real love just is.

Dating Hiatus

I have not been on a date in 2015.

I am no longer dating because I am no longer looking for a life partner. I need to find contentment in life as a single person. Because that is what I am and will likely stay, if statistics are to be believed. And I don’t want to date just to date. It is too much work with little reward.

Someone recently mentioned she thought I was still waiting for the guy who broke it off with me years ago. That I would go back to him if he asked because I still love him.  She is partially right.

I don’t date because of him, that is true. But I am not waiting for him, would never date him again. And my reason is simple.  I could never trust him again. He is no longer worth the risk. When I think of him, I am filled with sadness. I loved him utterly, completely. I trusted him with all my darkest places, my deepest fears. I was vulnerable in front of him and trusted him with my whole heart for over three years.

Wasted time, as it turns out. I was a complete fool. An idiot to believe that he was mine. That he loved me. That he was “all in” like me. 

Now, I know the truth. I was a place keeper. Good enough “for  now”, but not “forever”. In the words of Sophia Wu, he treated me like an option, not a priority. He was gone the moment he had a better offer and never looked back. And the first indication I had that something was wrong was him walking out the door after saying goodbye. What the hell is wrong with me?

How had I not noticed? What had I missed? What about me made him leave? These questions haunted me for a long time. I grieved and cried and hurt in my soul, trying to find nonexistent answers. I was in a really bad way for a really long time, and it felt like I would mourn forever. My poor bruised heart ached for a future that was never real.

Now that time has passed, a new set of questions haunt me.

I don’t date because I still don’t know the answers.

How do I ever let someone else in? How do I know if they are truthful when they tell me they love me. How can I believe again? Open up again? Start over? I am afraid to trust my feelings again after being so terribly wrong because I am still the same person. I am not convinced I can do any better now than I did then.

I feel like part of me is broken and I don’t know how to fix it. I am not sure I want to try.

I cannot live through the heartache again. And I don’t trust myself to be any better at figuring out what is truth than I was all those years ago. I don’t trust myself to tell the difference between “for now” and “forever”. I am just not willing to risk it all again.