Happy Birthday

10

I own a ten year old boy.

How in the world did that happen?

He is kind and gentle, loves and cares for our menagerie of animals, yet is rough and tumble- ALL BOY!

My sweet littlest baby boy is double digits today.

Amazing!

Liar

Have you ever been lied to for your own good?

Not the little white lie- “Of course that doesn’t make you fat..”

Lied to about something that mattered, to spare your feelings… to protect you from a truth that would puncture your lung and make it impossible to catch your breath.

A truth that would break your faith and divide your heart. If you found out…

Brokenhearted.

Bleary eyed from the pain.

Going through the motions because you must, not because you want to. Because stopping makes the pain unbearable.

I found out tonight that I was lied to… betrayed.

And now I just can’t breath.

School again?

This morning, I went to an informational session about going to graduate school and getting my Masters of Science in Nursing Education.

It takes 2 years, going year round. It will cost over $20,000, though the hospital would reimbuse some of that money. And in the end, I would be able to teach the next generation of nurses.

I would be a certified nurse educator.

I would have more letters after my name.

Why hesitate?

I hesitate because I doubt...

What if I don't finish? What if I fail?

See, this is where the doubt creeps in. I have made 3 attempts at grad school already, and each time my road was blocked. Child care, husband care, money... Would this time be different?

I hesitate because I am scared out of my mind. All the "What ifs?" circle in my head... What if I am not smart enough... what if I cannot learn the material... what if I fail...

In the quiet place inside me, I want to take the risk. The two years will pass whether or not I am in school...

I am undecided.

Butterflies and Angels

So I have finally gotten to the point that I need to write about the work I do. It has been a week, let me tell you!

I live in a world where HIPAA keeps me from saying too much about what I do, and when the days are hard and the loss is great, I can only speak in generalities. Gotta follow the rules.

I lost a patient. One of my little butterflies.

A baby.

AGAIN!

I stopped counting at 50, and that was a while ago.

I HATE Epidermolysis Bullosa.
I hate the pain, the itch, and the foreverness of it.

I hate the costs that overwhelm my families. The emotional strain. The financial drain.

The random unfairness.

And yet I meet amazing people every day, folks who fight the good fight. Researchers, doctors, moms, nurses, dads… They work tirelessly. All looking for the day when EB is cured and a thing of the past.

I hope the day comes soon.

Rest in peace, dear sweet child.

Storm

My cat, Storm, Is something else. A domestic longhair, we rescued him when he was 8 weeks old, back in August 2006. He is a wonderful cat, even tempered, gentle and loving.

But he keeps setting the corn snake free.

And we finally found him in the act.

BAD KITTY.

And yes, I was smiling at the time.

I-Pod love affair

After two weeks of ownership, it is official. I-Pods are the greatest invention ever.

And I thought a Walkman with auto-reverse was amazing.

3500 songs and counting... at my fingertips.

In the car...on the treadmill... waiting while my daughter shops.

No commercial interuptions was big. No signal loss. No static.

I can create my own playlists. The background music from a lifetime...

Playlists to revisit all the different lifetimes I have already lived. Music from my childhood. Music from College. Music from Peace Corps. The joy of all these events captured in one place.

There is no going back.

Temps in the 50's

It felt like one of the first days of Spring. A clear warm sunny day. God's reminder that Spring will come.

But I worry.

If it is in the 50's now- What will February bring?

I will worry about that another time. Right now, I will enjoy the sun and the promise in it.

3000

So at my familiy's Christmas gathering in New York, there was the traditional football game, a poker game, and my sister's amazing Christmas dinner in between. In it's recounting, I again felt far away.

And then came the funny part.

They all sat around and read my blog. I had mentioned it in my Christmas letter, and they, as a group, checked it out.

They find the whole idea pretty hilarious.

Nobody reads it, said one sister. She based this on the very small number of comments left on the posts. When I told her I have had readers in other countries, I sensed disbelief.

I didn't even mention that I have a page viewer that indicates I am creeping up on 3000 page views. Not much compared to many of my blogging friends, but to me- well, I am pleased. Who knows, this could be the year I hit 4000...

The "White Out" Incident

In her book, Kristin has a run in with super glue that reminded me of a crazy night years ago. when Liz and I lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment in the Bronx.

It was a dark and stormy night, right out of a Snoopy story.

My daughter sat at the kitchen table, still dressed in the little blue sweat suit that was her kindergarten gym uniform , working on her latest work of art. I never even saw the White Out bottle till she screamed.

In opening the bottle, she had to pull the lid with some force to get the brush past the gooey neck of the bottle. When the brush came free, White out sprayed across her face and into her eyes.

The White Out sealed them shut.

OH MY GOD!!!

Fighting the pain in my chest, where my heart was exploding, I leaned my screaming child back against the kitchen sink and lifted her up, with her face up to the ceiling looking up at kitchen faucet, and put the water on full force. Then I pried my baby’s eyes opened and flushed them, with the full force of the faucet- never mind that I could have drowned my poor screaming child. At least I used the cold water.

Please God, don’t let her go blind…

As I set her down on the kitchen floor to call the doctor, I was trembling. Ray had dated a friend of mine and had been my eye doctor for years. I called the office and begged to speak to him- something I had never done before.

When he came on the line, I described what had happened and what I had done, and begged Ray to check my baby. It was nearly closing time in his office, and he had never seen my daughter as a patient, but he said to bring her over.

“And Geraldine, don’t rush. Drive carefully. We will wait for you.”

So now I was crying.

Please God, don’t let her go blind.

It took forever, or so it seemed, to get to the medical office plaza. The rain was pounding down, and it was so dark.

The sight of us walking into the office! Me still in my work scrubs, looking clearly insane, and my daughter in her gym clothes, soaked to her waist.

Ray very gently examined my terrified little girl. He had her read the shapes chart. He shone the special light in her eyes.

He said there was no sign of white out left in her eyes. And there was no damage to her vision.

Ray could probably see the tension leave me. It was as though I had been holding my breath.

“Good job, Mom.”

"I'm a mom. What is your superpower?"

I am currently reading Kristen Welch's book, "Don't Make Me Come Up There!" and she is so much fun. She has planned out that the next time someone asks her what she does all day as a stay at home momma:

"I'm a mom. What is your superpower?"

You know those moms- the ones who go to stuff at school that I am lucky I know about, never mind attending. They always have a spare poster board on the night before a project I never knew about is due- and are willing to share. They loan their husbands to cut grass or fix cars or lift heavy things... They pick up your child for Cub Scouts because you are working late AGAIN!

I love these mammas.

They cook for real. They take care of their homes and children, and sometimes my home and my children. They bake cupcakes for school- I buy mine at Meijer. They volunteer in classrooms, grow gardens and can veggies, knit and make beautiful memories for their children. They drive to practice and games and lessons.

I thank God for them!

Life without Music would be a mistake.

No one has ever accused me of being a techie. I am grateful to the techies who have been in my life at a variety of points to introduce me to the new “greatest” thing… Word (the original version), Dial up AOL (I am dating myself) which was AMAZING, back in the day…Digital photos… I mean, I still have cassette tapes.

Well, you get the picture.

Well after buying a new car last month, my daughter showed me the AUX port in the dashboard, and raved about what a great thing it was. (She is now driving my 2003 Honda, which does not have one.) To demonstrate, she hooked up her I-Phone and played songs from her list.

She advised that I could upload all my CDs to I-Tunes, and I could have all my music at my fingertips. Play all my favorites, all the time.

I would never need to listen to a radio commercial- EVER AGAIN!

As a person who drives almost two hours each work day- that is just phenomenal.
And I could have all my CDs with me at all times.

I had a cheap MP3 player once, with a small memory, and when it died, I opted not to replace it. It was just not that impressive.

The day after Christmas, I got my very first I-Pod. The one with MEGA storage. My daughter suggested one with less storage. This one has room for 20,000 songs. Two lifetimes worth of music. I could even upload movies. OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I have already uploaded over 6 days’ worth of music on I-Tunes and still have not uploaded all my CDs. My top rated playlist has over 160 entries. I have created a French Charlie’s playlist, among others.

I have died and gone to musical heaven.

Treasures

As part of my latest attempt to declutter, I came across a file box that has likely been tucked away in a corner of the basement for the last 4+ years.

It was like finding buried treasure.

My journal from my trip to Europe 20 years ago...

My journal from my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer...

My very first short story...

All the family tree paper work. Which needs updating in a big way. Four years may not sound like much of a lag time in recording, but I have 38 cousins on my mom's side, so somebody is always having a baby...

Also, I found all my research papers from school- most are only copies, as I went to school before the computer age, and had my papers typed, cause the nuns in High School told me I would never need typing class- "You aren't going to be a secretary, dear..."

Not taking typing remains one of my big High School regrets, along with falling asleep on Jones Beach after Prom and getting sunburned, missing graduation at St. Patrick's Cathedral because of the sunburn, well, you get the picture.

It was a delight looking at all of these snapshots from my life. Some of my clutter is not going anywhere.