John-John

I admit it sounds a little silly calling a grown man John-John, but since I was twelve when we met, I am allowed.

I was in seventh grade when Kathy introduced me to John-John. They had taken art classes from the same lady. John was playing the part of Sonny in our school production of Grease- dubbed "Class of 59" since some of the wording and story line had to be adjusted for the Catholic school setting. We were fast friends.

We have been friends forever, and it is hard to remember a time we didn't know one another. Through dinner at Umberto's, skating at Stars, champagne celebrations, high school, his girlfriends and wife, my boyfriends and husband and divorce, three decades and four children later, we still are only a phone call away.

I returned the painting he gave Kathy, so he could show his kids the great artist he was, and sent an electronic photo from 1980 as most old photos and treasures were lost when his mom's house flooded.

We are friends. What a wonderful gift. And today I wish my dear friend HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Maryellen Moore

Maryellen Moore is a sister with the Helpers, an order of nuns she joined as a teenager. She has traveled the globe in her work for them, and is based in Chicago. She is also my cousin.

My grandfather and her dad were brothers, and my family lived in the basement of her home till I was about three and a half. Her dad's generosity allowed my parents to purchase their home.

I remember when she wore a habit and "looked" like a nun, but these days she wears regular, conservative attire. I stayed with her and the sisters in both Chicago and Paris, and she is always a wonderful host. And she is kind.

We wrote letters back and forth when I was in Guatemala- this is how I learned she is terrified of rats. She was the only one in the family that really understood what Central America was like.

She was recently diagnosed with an illness that we are hoping will respond to treatment. I spoke to her today and she is as ever Maryellen.

I am praying for her this day.

Girlfriends

Kathy and Tara and I have been friends since Grammar School and have survived all of us marrying, having children and divorcing. We have stayed in touch as I have traveled the globe and now offer each other support not only by phone but also on Facebook- the modern marvel that allows you to find those folks you loved from long ago... But the three of us have always been right there in the background.

Mary, I met in high school. She was the person who brought Spellman to life for me and she wrote to me over the long summer I was in Ireland, finding joy in my crazy adventures. Mary and I lost touch for a time after college, and recently reconnected. This amazing lady has been dealt issues I cannot dream of and with the support of her wonderful husband, has done so with humor. I missed her battle with breast cancer but thank God for her recovery and the joy she brings me now

Leyla, I met at the Museum, my best teenager job. She and I worked weekend nights together and shared our lives with one another. As she battles RA, I pray for her...and still she is the girl I can call at 3am when my heart is broken.

In the college dorms, Stella, Tonya, Chris, Wini, and Leah made life better and I will always be grateful for my Hunter family. The ups and downs and drama and boys- back when a chocolate covered Oreo could solve most of our problems- and let's not forget chocolate chip cake... each of these ladies has given me time and love and I am grateful that each had a place in my life.

Vicky, though, has stayed with me along this crazy path. A JYNY student from California, we are an unlikely match. But she is my sister, my family and I am so glad I can still call her to laugh and cry.

My junior sister who did the right thing and was treated badly because of it...Stacey, you are still my hero.

The Peace Corps girls- Sandy my roommate, MaryAnn, Rica, Maria, Jen, Donna, Fran, Joan-e, Ana and Lori, Michaela, Liz... Each of these strong women made life in Guatemala like being home.

I am a better person because of what these women shared with me and I am thankful everyday to have strong women in my life...

The Kinnetts

In 1977, my sister Dee and I went to visit my Aunt Ann and Uncle Gail in Fairfield Ohio. We went to Great Grandma Miller's farm, King's Island, and had two wonderful weeks with the Kinnett family.

I came back the following summer on my own, and watched my cousin Ellen take her first steps. We went to Friendship Indiana, and I made friends with some of the neighbors.

Coming to visit seemed more like coming home after a while and I visited regularly, watching my young cousins grow into amazing women.

My aunt, Ann, is a second mom to me in so many ways. And Uncle Gail has been great to all of us, from being a bucking bull in the pool at our Bronx home (during what was supposed to be his honeymoon) to cuffing Dee when she robbed the bank during Monopoly.

When I finally ended up moving here in 2006, they welcomed me in all ways, big and small- from getting me to yard sales and helping me unpack to allowing me to get the Andys good at Christmas (I am still waiting for payback)

So today I am thankful for my Ohio family, the Kinnetts

St Patrick's Day

My mother's friends from work, Pat Sarti and Pat Gonzales, were always so good to my mom- they all worked at the bank together. It was Pat G's son who sold us the Green Machine when I was seventeen. When I was 13, these three moms and all the children went to Atlantic City for a vacation. I remember rollerskating up and down the boardwalk- skating was the big thing back then.

When Pat G retired, she moved to Yardley PA. Not so long after, we lost her to cancer and all of us grieved.

In 1994, Pat S became my first landlord, when I moved with Liz to her basement apartment. She was so kind to me. And I loved the independence of my little apartment and new single mom life...

Pat S. is on my mind today, as she has been for every St. Pat's day since 1997. You see, her son Michael went to the parade that day...with a bunch of his friends. There was drinking and then there was a fight, which was captured on video. The video showed Michael on the ground, his head repeatedly kicked, even as he lay motionless.

This was the child I minded all those years ago in Atlantic city. The young man who helped me carry in groceries when I ran out of hands.

He never woke up from the coma. His killer never spent a day in jail. And Pat S. was never the same. I am praying for her today.

TNVAC

Back in High School, I volunteered with the local Ambulance Corps as a weekend and overnight dispatcher. I often worked with Tony and Jay, two good guys from the neighborhood.

The phone rang continually with no breaks on the emergency line, and Jay often beat me to the phone- on a run.

He always made sure I made it home safe after the tour.

These volunteers taught me first aid, and they shared their passion for Emergency medicine.

Tony studied at NYU and later became a dentist. He still practices in New York.

Jay dreamed of ESU...Emergency Services Unit- the elite of NYPD. It was the work he wanted to do more than anything else in the world. He talked about it constantly.

Jay joined the military and became a member of ESU. Which does not surprise me one bit, because he was driven and knew what he wanted.

He was one of the 14 ESU officers who died on 9-11 after responding to the call. He died doing what he loved.

It was a pleasure to know them.

The Ides of March

The term Ides of March is best known as the date that Julius Caesar was killed in 44 B.C. Caesar was stabbed 23 times in the Roman Senate. The attack was led by Marcus Junius Brutus, Gaius Cassius Longinus along with 60 other conspirators.

On his way to the Theatre of Pompey where he would be assassinated, Caesar saw a seer who had foretold that harm would come to him not later than the Ides of March. Caesar joked, "Well, the Ides of March have come", to which the seer replied "Ay, they have come, but they are not gone." This meeting is famously dramatized in William Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar, when Caesar is warned to "beware the Ides of March"

Mr Ford had us study Julius Caesar during my Freshman year at CSHS, and it was my introduction to Shakespeare. We acted out parts of the play in class and it was a lot of fun. Mr. Ford was a good teacher and really shared his love of literature with us.

Thanks Mr. Ford.

Praying for Japan

How do I begin-

In the afternoon of August 15, 1945, Japan surrendered unconditionally, ending World War II.

This came after atomic bombs were dropped, on August 6th in Hiroshima and on August 9th in Nagasaki.

Until now, I could not believe there could be a worse week in Japan. Two nuclear disaster zones, horrendous loss of life.

On Friday, March 12, 2011, the island nation was hit, first by an earthquake of 8.9 and then by tsunami waves. Now as it deals with those double disasters and death tolls mount, the Japanese people are without water and power in many of the stricken areas.

And their nuclear power plants may add another risk to the population

"Let me say that the possibility that the development of this accident into one like Chernobyl is very unlikely," Yukiya Amano told a news conference at the headquarters of the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna.

I wonder how he can be so sure...

I am praying for God's mercy on this stricken nation.

Let's hear it for the boys...

For SB- who showed me I was worth loving, by loving me...

For MCR-who showed me I was capable of loving someone enough to let him go...

For EVEV- for making a far away place feel like home...

For AS- who shared Pediatrics with me and made me a better nurse...

For MG- who gave me a challenge I could not turn down

For GM- for loving me in spite of everything...

THANK YOU...

Telemarketing

In 1987 I was at Hunter and working as an office temp, babysitter and auto parts store clerk and anything else to earn money to live on. Wini and Amy were telemarketers for the Vivian Beaumont Theater, and knowing I was in need, invited me to work with them.

It is as bad a job as you imagine, only worse. The worst job I EVER had- which is saying something. Back before smoking laws changed, I worked in a windowless basement in a room of chain smokers. I could not sell anything, and it was demoralizing.

But every dark cloud...

One day, the man answering the phone was actually quite polite, saying he and his wife had just had a baby and were not really going out in the evenings.

I told him I was a college student and offered my babysitting services.

"Are you saying that to sell me the play tickets?"

"Oh, I don't care if you buy the tickets or not..." I was clearly not cut out for telemarketing.

He invited me to meet his family and, long story short, I started babysitting for Lloyd and Jan, watching their three children. The work with them covered many of my school expenses and their kindness is unmatched. Our friendship has grown over the years...They are like family.

Oh- and Jan said if she had answered the phone that day so long ago, she would have hung up...

Professor Munhall

Dr. Munhall was the nursing professor in charge of my independent study when I returned to Hunter part time in the fall of 1989.

I had not completed the spring 89 semester, and a professor had told me at the time that I showed no signs of becoming a good nurse.

My independent study, which focused on Death and Dying in Pediatrics was the first project I worked on after my confidence was so badly shaken.

Professor Munhall, a woman with her doctorate in Nursing, encouraged me, supported my project, and helped me regain my faith that Nursing was my career path. And at the end of the semester she urged me to go back to school full-time, that the profession needed nurses like me.

A year and a half later, I sat my nursing board, passed, and started my nursing career.

In the twenty years that have passed, I have worked for the poor and disenfranchised. I have worked for those who need me the most. And I will Never forget that it was Dr. Patricia Munhall who helped me to become the nurse they depend on. And I am so grateful.

Father Steve

It has been rare for me- finding a priest with whom I could relate. Debating the beliefs we both hold dear, having a man of the cloth understand...

Father Steve was a rare individual- he had been in the world enough to understand the frustrations of his flock.

He was kindness and love every day.

He said Mass at my house before I left for the Peace Corps- and was so proud of me.
He was as kind to my Granny as if she was his own. Everyone loved him.

Even as he fought the disease that took his life, he was kind to me.

I was carrying my first child and had been quite ill throughout my pregnancy. I felt poorly and looked worse. But not to Father Steve.

On our last visit before he died, he told me I looked beautiful- a powerful reminder of this great gift of life. I only regret he did not get to meet my daughter. He died eight days after Liz was born.

And I still miss him.

Ash Wednesday

"I was pushed to falling - but the Lord gave me help - My Heart - My Song - IS THE LORD - Who has become my Savior"

So what to give up for Lent.....

As a fairly fallen Catholic, there is still, in my mind, an obligation to remember the Lord's sacrifices for humanity, even if my Church annoys me at times.

So I tried to think of a fitting tribute, and I think doing something might be a better way to go.

So for the next forty days, I am going to write about positive things, people and events in my life.

Each day will be a story of love...

So it was 1989, and I had a stretch of negative- a long stretch of negative. I was no longer in Nursing school, I lost my school related housing and job, and the man I loved had decided to go in another direction...

I was at my parents' home, my Dad-who I am sure, looking back, was concerned- was nagging me to get up for Mass.

I explained that, as an adult, I opted not to attend...

"Well as long as you live under my roof..."

Time to find a new roof.

I became a live-in housekeeper/nanny for three children, one with CP, within the next three weeks, and I truly believe they were a gift from God when my faith was badly shaken. They welcomed me, they loved me, and while I was with them, my soul started to heal.

When I found out that the love of my life had become engaged, I needed to walk, in spite of the late night and downpour. Barry and Celeste tried to dissuade me from walking in the rain, but when I told them about the engagement, Barry offered me an umbrella.

Celeste introduced me to green food- she was an amazing cook and we had a sit down dinner each evening. It was wonderful to be a part of their family. They invited me to their church services, and when I attended, it felt so warm and inviting. I was welcomed by their friends.

By the fall, I was ready to try an independent study at the college, and they again encouraged me. Such an amazing gift.

I thank God for the Milazzo family.

E-mail friends?

Today Rick responded to my brief reply on March 3rd to his Feb 28th e-mail, which I found a little distant...maybe that isn't the right word... it seemed a bit "stand-off" ish... But he is busy, working half-way around the world...

I am having a hard time not reading between the lines, so I figured sticking with car stuff and as few lines as possible is the way to go.

It is just hard to believe anything will ever get normal again. Because we were not friends before, it is like starting all over.

-----Original Message-----
Sean said it was a machine that checks the block, since the engine is all apart- if that makes sense- Tom wants to confirm the block is okay before putting everything back together.

So I dare ask how the project there is going?

Step by step, starting all over, learning to be just friends without other expectations.

When I wake up each morning trying to find myself and if I'm ever the least unsure, I always remind myself
Though you're someone in this world that I'll always choose to love from now on you're only someone that I used to love

As for me it's getting down to the last unspoken part when you must begin to ease the pain of a broken heart
Tell me why should I even care if I have to lose your love from now on you're only someone that I used to love

Yet it wasn't enough for you All the love I had to give I did my best to keep you satisfied
I guess you'll never know how much I tried, I really tried

And if ever our paths should cross again, well, you won't find me being the one to get lost again
Once I had so much to give but you just refused my love from now on you're only someone that I used to love

I did my best to keep you satisfied. I guess you'll never know how much I tried, I really tried

When I wake up each morning trying to find myself -And if I'm ever the least unsure, I always remind myself
Though you're someone in this world that I'll always choose to love-From now on you're only someone that I used to love
From now on you're only someone that I used to love

Though you're someone in this world that I'll always choose to love-From now on you're only someone that I used to love
From now on you're only someone that I used to love

My life is a bad James Ingram song

My life is a bad James Ingram song- one of the best men I have ever spent time with broke my heart and I think he hurts almost as bad as I do…

Your face is beaming… you say it's 'cause you're dreaming of how good it's going to be
You say you've been around and now you've finally found everything you wanted and needed in me
I don't have the heart to hurt you it's the last thing I want to do
but I don't have the heart to love you , not the way you want me to

Inside I'm dying to see you crying how can I make you understand
I care about you, so much about you, baby, I'm trying to say this as gently as I can
'cause I don't have the heart to hurt you it's the last thing I want to do
but I don't have the heart to love you not the way you want me to

You're so trusting and open hoping that love will start
but I don't have the heart oh no, I don't have the heart
to hurt you it's the last thing I want to do
but I don't have the heart to love you not the way you want me to

I heard this in the car driving home today. In the month since he broke the news, I have mourned. How did I not know? I still cry at night when the kids are asleep. Life is so hard right now. And I feel so alone.

Walking in the Rain

I had to walk to the dentist two miles from my house.

It was raining.

Hard.

When I got there, I was soaked through.

But the dental hygienist did an amazing job. My teeth look and feel great.

The rain was lighter on my way home.

I stopped at the bank.

I stopped at the gas station to pick up a bit of food supplies- nothing too heavy, so I could carry it the rest of the way home.

The girl behind me in line asked if she could take me the rest of the way home.

Normally I would never take a ride from someone I didn't know. But I was wet and tired enough that I said yes.

I was home moments later.

So to a stranger- I give my thanks. That random act of kindness meant the world to me.

My Heart is Low

So almost twenty years ago, A Woman's Heart was released. The title song has been haunting me for the last month or so...

My heart is low, my heart is so low as only a woman's heart can be
As only a woman's, as only a woman's heart can know

The tears that drip from my bewildered eyes taste of bittersweet romance
You're still in my heart, you're still on my mind
And even though I manage on my own...

My heart is low, my heart is so low as only a woman's heart can be
As only a woman's, as only a woman's heart can know

My restless eyes reveal my troubled soul and memories flood my weary heart
I mourn for my dreams, I mourn for my wasted love
And while I know that I'll survive alone...

My heart is low, my heart is so low as only a woman's heart can be
As only a woman's, as only a woman's heart can know....

My heart is low, my heart is so low as only a woman's heart can be
As only a woman's, as only a woman's heart can know...

With all the disappointment and stress of my life since January, I really feel so completely down, so low...

God only gives us what we can handle, I keep telling myself. Others are worse off than me...But my heart is low today...

Happy Birthday Emily

My niece Emily is fourteen today. She is taller than I am, and already has the shape of a woman. She is also autistic.

She is making progress every day, her parents are amazing, but it is a harder life than this kind child deserves.

Cure Autism Now is a great way to support research.

Have a lovely day, Emily...