It's a Hark-Knock Life

It’s a hard knock life…

So the washer went first…then the dishwasher…then my relationship… and now my car that I am still paying off has MAJOR mechanical issues. And the furnace is barely holding on…

Financially I am in a black hole…

Emotionally I am in a black hole…

And yet I have enough sense to know there are plenty of folks who are worse off than I am.

A newly diagnosed man who is trying to wrap his mind around being HIV+…

A woman who’s relationship was battered by relatives who believe she should not have opinions that differ from the crowd…

A single mom struggling financially because her “needs to be ex” husband is delaying the sale of the marital home… that he continues to live in while she rents…

And the whole global perspective makes me hesitant to complain…

God only gives us what we can bear… I wish He didn’t have so much faith in me sometimes…

So I trimmed my budget some more…

And I am examining my options.

Do I take penalties on a 403(b) withdrawal, or do I cash in my whole life insurance? With that money, I can pay off my on-it’s-last-legs vehicle and get a reliable car…


I HAVE NO IDEA…

Happy Valentine's Day...bah humbug...

Does nobody but me know St. Valentine was KILLED on February 14... it is like celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. day on April 4th...wrong on so many levels.

And Hallmark declared it a day for love? Even Google got on board...

It is hard for single folks to get through a day like this without feeling a bit let down.

Not to mention the pain in the chest of all of us recently brokenhearted. I really wanted to stay in bed today. Instead, I am having a Milky Way dipped in peanut butter for lunch.

But every dark cloud has a silver lining- my daughter started her new job today. My son gave me a beautiful Valentine he made for me. I have my health- Milky Way aside.

So Happy Valentine's day everyone!

Appliances

So my washing machine stopped agitating about two weeks ago, and my dishwasher stopped turning on a few days later. Both were here when I bought my house, so I have no idea how old they are.

I ordered new ones from Home Depot, but when the guys came they gave me a story about faulty shut offs and said they could leave them, but could not install them or take away the old appliances.

Well, the last thing I need is two appliances sitting in my house, taking up room and serving no purpose.

So I sent them back.

Home Depot says they will not credit back my card for 7-10 days.

So I will be shopping elsewhere, when I have new shut off valves.

Tony- the wonderful man who constructed my BEAUTIFUL bathroom- is coming on Saturday to fix the problem. And my aunt has a washer to give me. Free is good.

All I need to do now is find a cheap scratch & dent dishwasher... and wait for the fridge and/or dryer to go out next.

The joys of home ownership...

1258 days

On August 26th, 2007, I met a wonderful man, and over the course of 3 years and 5 months, he became family to me.

Our relationship ended on February 3rd 2011 at his request. No big fight, no angry confrontation. Just tears on both sides. He is so sorry. I am crushed. I hurt like I am dying.

Tonight was the stuff exchange- returning the bits and pieces of a shared life. A hairbrush, swim trunks. More tears.

He is sure. He needs to do this. My dreams/desires/wants/needs- he is so sorry. In a way I understand. Life is too short to be unhappy. But I was so happy...so content...so at peace with us being "we". I never saw this coming.

I am not even angry. That would be easier. I still love him so much I can't breathe- thinking about never being in his arms again. My stomach is knotted up. I have cried for four days. And I can't see the end of my overwhelming sadness.

The status change on Facebook, telling people- it breaks my heart all over again.

I hope he finds what's missing... I hate the thought that all this pain will serve no purpose. I don't want him to settle, cause I wouldn't. But he was everything to me. And now it is over. And I am living in HELL.

Hearts don't break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'cause I got time while she got freedom
'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days are some of my worst,
She'll find a man and a man who's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say that things happen for a reason
But no wise word's gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even ohhhh
And what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yea ; I'm falling to pieces, yea
I'm falling to pieces; I'm falling to pieces
(I'm still alive but the other one's leaving
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
you took his suitcase - I took the blame
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains
Oh cause you left me with no love in order to my name
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break no it don't break no it don't break even

And what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yea ; I'm falling to pieces, yea
I'm falling to pieces; I'm falling to pieces
(I'm still alive but the other one's leaving.)
('Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even no,ohh
it don't break even no, ohh
It don't break even no

Already Gone

Already Gone:


Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fist held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with the perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone, Ooh oh
Already gone, already gone, already gone,
Yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Goodbyes

Comes the Dawn: Veronica A.Shoffstall

After a while you will learn the difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you will learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company does not always mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts,
And presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you will learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure...
that you really are strong...
and you really do have worth...

And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn...

The Long Winter

I have had more than enough of winter.




I miss the leaves on my tree... I miss warm bright days and flowers. I am hoping for an early Spring, because this winter has been brutal.

I chipped ice off my car last night and cut my hands in several places. I never feel warm, even in layers. My skin is dry and the foul weather is making me grumpy.

School has been cancelled 7 times. I don't think I had that many days off for snow, all totaled, in the 12 years I went to school.

Please Spring, come early...pretty please...